"what happened to your face?"

on living with acne

i always knew i was beautiful. as a child, i always overheard the adults talking about my beauty. i remember going to a wedding when i was young and heard adults on the next table complimenting my beauty. rarely did i ever question it—apart from my skin colour, after going to a predominantly white primary school (that’s a topic for another day).

it’s a huge blessing that i’m grateful for. i’ve seen the way it has its privileges. i’ve also seen its downsides, such as being bullied in school for absolutely no reason at all—to which my friends always used to say, ‘it’s because you’re pretty.’ i’d be so confused hearing that, as it didn’t make any sense to me at the time. how can you bully someone because you think they’re pretty? but i can look back now and see that it was, in fact, jealousy.

nonetheless, my beauty is something that people compliment my dad on all the time. having a beautiful daughter became a thing of show, a thing to take pride in.

i guess when you have a beautiful daughter, it means you can’t lose that value in the eyes of people. it’s expected that she will always maintain it, based on what ‘maintaining it’ looks like to you.

so when i became a teenager and started to have acne, an entire life of becoming consumed by maintaining beauty and craving and chasing my dad’s approval was born.

he had nicknames for everyone growing up. my brother was always ‘buddy.’ when he re-married after my parents’ divorce, my step sister and step mum also had nicknames that were endearing too. but i didn’t have one. i’d hear him call everybody by these names and wonder why he didn’t have one for me.

naturally, it made me sad over the years. so one day, as an early-teen, i expressed it to my dad.

we were watching TV and he had called someone by their nickname.

‘i don’t have a nickname,’ i said.

‘you’re spotty face,’ he replied, without hesitation. ‘that’s your nickname. because you have so many spots.’

i continued looking at the TV, pretending i didn’t hear, pretending that it didn’t have an effect on me, pretending that i was more interested in the movie than what he had to say. even back then, i knew how to put on a front to not give his ego the pleasure of successfully hurting me. but it did hurt. i guess i should’ve been careful for what i wished for.

acne is something i’ve struggled with for about ten years now. i’ve had times where it was mild, times where it was bad. i’ve had multiple trips to the doctor over the years where i tried to get different medications. hundreds wasted on skincare products to try and find something that would clear it.

when beauty is something you’ve been complimented for your whole life and is engrained in your head that that’s where your worth and value comes from, the fear of losing it crushed me. i started to feel so insecure. i hated looking at myself in the mirror, hated what i saw. it’s a different kind of pain when it’s just something that needs to simply go away and then you can finally get your face back. but no matter how hard i tried, it didn’t. not permanently. sometimes it would go but then it would come right back.

my dad always commented on it.

‘why do you have so many spots?’ he asked me, all the time. the way that he would look at me and inspect my face, would sometimes touch my face and try and rub a pimple away, made me feel so ugly.

even in school, the jealous girls had something to use against me to justify their hatred and began commenting on my spots too. i’d pretend it didn’t have an effect on me again but would blink back my tears. after school, i’d always go to the drugstore to look for more products that promised to clear blemishes and acne scars.

so much fear. the fear of not being liked anymore, the fear of people not being my friend anymore. the fear of not being loved by my father anymore. and as he was the first man in my life, he set up the blueprint for what i thought men were like. so then, the fear of boys not finding me pretty. not unless my skin cleared.

as i grew older, into my late teens, i started wearing makeup to cover all my scars and current spots. it was a way i could hide from my dad. every time i’d go over to his house, i would take so long in the mornings. i’d be using my concealer to cover all the dark blemishes from old acne scars and put on foundation to beautify myself, fearing his comments. and in the night, i’d say goodnight to him wearing makeup and then would quickly take it all off when he wouldn’t see what was underneath.

when i was in my first year of university, the acne still hadn’t subsided. it had gotten much better but then all of a sudden, it became worse (i used to drink hot milk with honey every night to deal with insomnia. little did i know at the time that dairy/cow’s milk was worsening my acne). after going to the doctor, they gave me some antibiotics. and, as with all acne treatments, it gets worse before it gets better. so i was purging. all the bacteria was coming up to the surface so that the medicine could fight it. unfortunately, i was purging when i was back at home for the summer holidays.

one day, when i was at my dad’s house, him and my step family went out at night, and i had already gotten ready for bed and removed my makeup. i quickly went downstairs to the kitchen to get something to eat, not expecting that they would come home right at that moment.

hearing the keys jingle in the door, right as i stood in front of it, the hairs stood up on my neck. i was completely ridden with fear, barefaced and makeup free as i saw my dad coming in. and i will never forget his face.

his eyebrows were furrowed, his mouth frowned. my step mum was in the way as she came into the house, and he moved his head to the side so that he could get a better look at me. his eyes moved around my face. it was a look of disgust. he opened his mouth, about to say something, and i quickly turned my face so he wouldn’t see, ran up the stairs and cried under my covers.

another time, we were on holiday and my brother and i shared a room. in the morning, before i had time to put on my makeup and cover my face, my dad knocked on the door to give us something. i answered, expecting it to be my sister. but it was him. and immediately, he said, ‘what’s wrong with your face?’

afterwards, i stood before the mirror, turning my face from side to side to see if my spots were that bad. i didn’t think that they were, until he commented on them. and they weren’t. my acne has never been incredibly severe. for most of my life, it’s been moderate or mild, fluctuating between the two. but i still felt ugly. i caught my brother’s eye in the mirror, watching me from his bed as i inspected my face, and i knew what he was saying with his eyes. don’t listen to him.

it’s a weird feeling when the whole world thinks you’re beautiful but your father makes you feel so ugly. when everyone can see it but you can’t look at your natural face without wishing it was different.

this all led to me never leaving the house without makeup. never heavy makeup, but always concealer or foundation to cover everything. because of him, i’d always think that people would stare at me or not find me pretty anymore if i didn’t cover my spots, and it became so difficult for me to leave the house without it. for years.

the antibiotics didn’t work. when i was taking them, my skin ended up becoming clear and i was so grateful. but as soon as the antibiotics finished, my acne began to come back again. i would keep asking the doctor to renew my prescription and give me more, and would take them again. but at some point, being on antibiotics wasn’t working anymore. i asked the doctor to give me more again, and they finally said, sorry. we can’t give you more. you can’t have that many antibiotics, it becomes dangerous.

i started panicking. what was i going to do? but i later found out that i was actually killing all the good bacteria in my gut through taking so many antibiotics for a long time. my gut health was completely finished.

last year, i finally went to a dermatologist. as they’re so expensive, i never had the funds to go to them before. but when i finally could, she put me on tretinoin and helped me with my skincare products and routine. and alas, the infamous tretinoin purge.

i don’t think my acne has ever been as bad as it was on my tretinoin purge last year. and that’s when everyone started commenting on my acne.

i went home for eid ul-fitr last year. i had spent so much time doing my makeup but it didn’t help at all. all of my acne was coming to the surface like crazy, more than the antibiotics, and i couldn’t do anything about all the bumps. in fact, the makeup actually made it worse by caking it. still, i tried.

i hadn’t seen my dad in months. i was away at uni and the last time i had seen him was in the christmas holidays—before i had seen the dermatologist, before i was on tretinoin.

so, in my eid clothes, my makeup done, after spending the first half of eid with my mum, i went over to my dad’s house with my brother where different family members had already arrived for dinner.

you’d think, after all those months, i’d be welcomed happily.

the first thing he said to me when he saw me was, ‘what the hell happened to your face?’

everyone looked at me. the aunties, always being the entitled commentators on bodies and looks as they are, started asking me if i’m sick or if i had some sort of reaction. being ambushed by everyone, i blinked back tears as i ate my food silently. one aunty even began having a back-and-forth with her daughter, who’s a doctor. thankfully, i told her i’m on tretinoin, and she told her mother that purging is just a temporary side effect of the medicine and a sign it’s working. but she wouldn’t hear it, and kept going back and forth about my own skin in front of me.

around that same time, i also attended my friend’s wedding and different aunties and uncles began commenting on my face too. they asked me why i have so many spots and what happened to your face? i would blame it on exam stress. i was, after all, in my final year of my undergraduate course and was about to hand in my dissertation.

but what made it worse for me is when my brother saw me and asked me if i’m sick because of my spots. that’s the one that did it for me. he didn’t say it rudely, he asked with genuine concern. but he’s never cared about my acne for years. he was the only person in my family who had never commented on it before. so the fact that he had something to say is what made my insecurities skyrocket high into the air.

thankfully, that purge subsided after a few (frustrating and insecure) months and the tretinoin has been working, alhamdulillah. but acne is something i still suffer with. it’s mild now and alhamdulillah, after an entire decade, my skin is finally the best it’s been. but the breakouts still come.

i’ve realised that my acne is hormonal. i breakout when i’m about to go on my period. and my lifestyle and diet plays a huge factor in it. i’ve cut out dairy. i can’t have sugar because as soon as i do, breakouts come. and my sleep and stress affects it as well.

at celebrations, i feel guilty for eating cake or any other sweets. whenever people are giving out chocolates for free, i gracefully decline and watch everybody else eat it. there’s always in ice cream truck at the park near my house and, every time i go there, i always fight myself and hold back to not indulge, for my skin’s sake. ice cream from the ice cream truck is my favourite kind of ice cream.

but, the other day, since i had hit 1000 subscribers, i wanted to treat myself. but i knew i shouldn’t with the ice cream, because of my skin. it’s dairy and sugar. so i sat there in the park, reading my book, fighting and debating with myself. i deserve it. you’re going to breakout. i deserve to treat myself. can’t you treat yourself with something other than sugar? but i’ve really been wanting that ice cream for such a long time now. so you can wait a little bit longer, then.

i ended up marching over to the ice cream truck, feeling happy and also guilty while i was eating it. i thought to myself, at what point will i start living my life? but at what point will i finally be able to eat sugar without it breaking me out? will my acne ever cure? it’s so hard to find things that don’t have dairy in it. and i can’t stop eating sugary things forever. am i going to always feel guilty when eating something sweet and then feel horrible when i breakout? is Allah ever going to answer my prayer?

i’m grateful for the tretinoin helping my acne but all i want is for my acne to permanently and completely go, once and for all. it’s the one prayer that Allah hasn’t answered yet. and i’ve prayed, and i’ve prayed, and i’ve prayed. for years. i’ve begged, pleaded, been so frustrated.

i’m grateful that now, when i do get my period and breakout, my medication can fight it and help but when will i just stop breaking out completely? surely, i can’t be on medication forever?

lately, i’ve started to be brave and go outside without wearing makeup. alhamdulillah, i’m finally at a time where i feel like my skin isn’t that bad to hide it. but it’s still been one of the scariest things i’ve done. hearing this, my friends think it’s absurd because of how everyone finds me beautiful anyway. everyone, except for me, when my skin isn’t clear.

but i’ve found that it’s actually okay. people still treat me the same. no one stares at me in disgust. one time, when i went to the shop without makeup and thought i didn’t look great at all, when i still a lot of scars from my purge a few months ago, i actually ended up getting a discount.

‘because you’re beautiful,’ the man at the shop said.

i was surprised. sometimes, by the grace of Allah, things like that happen to me but only when i’ve covered my face with my concealer and foundation. or, so i thought. i guess, since i had never actually gone outside without covering my acne before, i didn’t realise there was a possibility that everybody’s opinions about me would stay the same.

when i got back and looked in the mirror, i was inspecting my face and felt so confused as to how he still thought i was beautiful, even with all the scars i had back then. i didn’t think so.

i’m realising now that maybe it’ll only be my dad who will look at me in that awful way when he sees my flaws. the outside world still finds me pretty. now, i’m starting to find my flaws pretty, too.

but as i woke up today, looking at my new breakout on my face from—let’s see, either the ice cream, the fact that my period is coming soon, my poor sleep, or the amount of sugar i had on eid a few weeks ago—i’ve been thinking more about beauty and what it means.

when i first put on the hijab a few years ago, i bumped into some friends at the masjid, and they said to each other, ‘you can see the noor (light) on her face since she started wearing the hijab.’

last year, i was walking through campus and saw another another girl i know from my university’s islamic society. i smiled and waved at her and then continued on my way. later on, she texted me and told me that there’s a noor on my face that she can see when she looks at me.

i stared at the screen and thought …? huh?

what is this hidden beauty that people are seeing in me that’s coming from… within? a beauty that isn’t physical?

for the first time in my life, people were referring to a spiritual kind of beauty only they could see.

“He is Allah, and there is no God beside Him, the Knower of the unseen and the seen. He is the Gracious, the Merciful” (59:23)

as humans, we can only see 0.0035% of the electromagnetic spectrum, known as visible light. that’s not even 1%. that’s not even 0.1%. that’s not even 0.01%.

[source] google images

noor (light) is something that is mentioned in the Qur’an many times, when Allah refers to Himself and His guidance:

Allah is the friend of those who believe: He brings them out of every kind of darkness into light. (2:258)

Light upon light! Allah guides to His light whomsoever He will. And Allah sets forth parables to men, and Allah knows all things full well. This light is now lit in houses with regard to which Allah has ordained that they be exalted and that His name be remembered in them. Therein is He glorified in the mornings and the evenings (24:36-37)

O ye who believe! turn to Allah in sincere repentance. It may be that your Lord will remove the evil consequences of your deeds and make you enter Gardens through which rivers flow, on the day when Allah will not abase the Prophet nor those who have believed with him. Their light will run before them and on their right hands. They will say, ‘Our Lord, perfect our light for us and forgive us; surely Thou hast power over all things.’ (66:9)

when referring to the Qur’an:

Believe, therefore, in Allah and His Messenger, and in the Light which We have sent down. And Allah is Well-Aware of all that you do. (64:9)

when referring to the Beloved Prophet ﷺ:

O Prophet, truly We have sent thee as a Witness, and Bearer of glad tidings, and a Warner, and as a Summoner unto Allah by His command, and as a Lamp that gives bright light (33:46-47).

the Prophet ﷺ also used to make du’a to Allah about light, too:

O Allah! Place light in my heart, light in my tongue, light in my hearing, light in my sight, light above me, light below me, light on my right, light on my left, light in front of me, light behind me, place light in my soul, and make light abundant for me (sahih muslim).

he ﷺ also narrated that purified and polished hearts also have a light:

As for the polished heart, it is the heart of the believer and its lamp is the light of faith (Musnad Ahmad 11129, grade: Sahih).

so there is a light that is referred to the righteous, the purified and the ones close to Allah (SWT) that is not visible to the naked eye. as we can only see 0.0035% of light, surely this noor that Allah and the Prophet ﷺ mention is part of the 99.9965% of light that we cannot see, but are drawn to.

but what has this got to do with acne?

in 2009, japanese scientists conducted a study where they put incredibly sensitive cameras on a few volunteers, in complete darkness, to detect single photons. they found that the body—especially the face—literally glows. the glow rises and falls over the course of the day—with the lowest point at 10am and its peak at 4pm.

Kobayashi M, Kikuchi D, Okamura H (2009) Imaging of Ultraweak Spontaneous Photon Emission from Human Body Displaying Diurnal Rhythm. PLoS ONE 4

The intensity of the light emitted by the body is 1000 times lower than the sensitivity of our naked eyes. We found that the human body directly and rhythmically emits light. The diurnal changes in photon emission might be linked to changes in energy metabolism.¹

our faces literally glow. there is a light on our face that is not visible to us but is very much there.

how much light do we have on our faces depending on how righteous we are? light that Allah can see that we aren’t even aware of?

this is a spiritual kind of light—a noor that sometimes people are able to see in others who do good. a beauty and radiance from the inside that starts from a person’s heart and soul. that begins through righteousness. through being a good person.

maybe, there’s another kind of beauty i should be more focused on. one that pleases Allah, rather than the people. beauty that shines from within. the light that comes from the inside out.

maybe all of my prayers about my skin over the years have been answered—in a different way. maybe my face is incredibly radiant and clear and i have no idea. maybe, my acne will eventually subside, as, alhamdulillah, it seems to finally, slowly, be fading, despite me still struggling with it. but along the way, what if my face has been how i’ve wanted it to be—just not physically? maybe, in the next life, i’ll realise just how much Allah truly has been answering the prayer.

maybe the silver lining is that there’s a beauty that Allah can see in us, and is giving us, when we turn to Him and purify our hearts, that we will only realise once we leave this world.

“Some faces on that day will be bright, looking eagerly towards their Lord” (75:23-24).

they say that Allah waits to answer some of our du’as in the next life, and when we see how He answered them there, we’ll wish that He hadn’t answered any of them here. if i really do struggle with this forever, what skin awaits me in jannah?

through this incredibly long journey full of pain, insecurity and frustration, i’m learning how to derive my beauty from how Allah perceives me. i’m beginning to believe that my patience in waiting for my du’a to be accepted isn’t in vain. i’m trying to see myself from Allah’s point of view. i’m learning to accept the beauty and light that i cannot see and beginning to trust that it is there.

after all, believing in the unseen is an essential part of our faith that we’re told at the beginning of the Qur’an:

This is a perfect Book; there is no doubt in it; it is a guidance for the righteous, who believe in the unseen and observe Prayer, and spend out of what We have provided for them (2:3-4).

if you struggle with acne too, know that you’re not alone. it doesn’t make you less beautiful. i know that now. and i hope you do too. perhaps your face shines brighter than both the sun and the moon combined, and when you walk outside, you illuminate everything in your path. maybe all the texture, the spots, the scars, the ‘flaws’ are ways for the bright, radiant light from inside you to escape and shine out into the world.

it’s the beauty, light and radiance that comes from being near to Allah, becoming His friend and purifying our hearts with remembrance of Him and sticking to the right path.

i’ve learnt that it’s not truly about the beauty people think we have, but how beautiful we are in the eyes of Allah.

i’ve learnt that the right people won’t base your worth on whether you have acne or not. what your skin looks like or not. whether that’s family, friends or spouses or strangers. they will value you for who you are. just like your Lord.

because the truth is, we’re perfectly imperfect creations of Allah. and what we might see as a flaw is present in the beautiful nature that surrounds us that we, too, resemble:

source: pinterest

source: tumblr @forgetfuleel

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grab a blessing:

• Rabbana atmim lana noorana waghfir lana innaka ‘ala kulli shayin qadeer
  Our Lord, perfect our light for us and forgive us; surely, Thou hast power over all things (66:9)

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sending you all lots of love, as always,

— SabrGirl ♡.

1. Kobayashi M, Kikuchi D, Okamura H (2009) Imaging of Ultraweak Spontaneous Photon Emission from Human Body Displaying Diurnal Rhythm. PLoS ONE 4(7): e6256. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0006256