2024: the year of coming back to myself
end of year reflection ♡
a few months ago, i went to a youth residential weekend at the mosque and one of the aunties said to me as we were leaving, ‘the person you have become…’ while smiling and shaking her head—unable to find the right words. ‘the sky is the limit,’ she eventually said while she held my hand and put her other on top. the tears i was holding back twinkled in my eyes as i smiled back at her, not knowing what to say.
i’ve thought about that moment again and again, being touched at the sentiment and also at the thought of being noticed—of growth being evident and acknowledged. it’s the end of the year and here i am, thinking about that moment again.
the person i’ve become. ‘well, who have i become?’ i ask myself. ‘how can i complete her sentence?’
when reflecting on my life, my friends laugh and tell me that my life is a movie. i’ve lived so many different lives, they say. and it’s true. i’ve had so many different personalities over the years. tried to fit into different personas. looked at different aesthetics and tried to pick the one i most loved. or rather, the one that people would most love. the one certain people i admired would like.
the life of a people pleaser.
it used to make me anxious when people didn’t like me. i tried to be loudest in the room. i tried to be seen. i wanted to stand out. i wanted to be liked loved. to fill the void within me, to fill in the shadows that formed from being neglected as a child. fine, my ego had said. you don’t want to show me love? then i’ll make the world like me. and i’ll keep trying. and trying. …and trying.
but then panic arose. some would like me but i would fixate on the ones that didn’t. but why don’t they like me? why can’t i fit in? why do i have no friends? but i’m trying my hardest! i’m being uncomfortable for you!
oh—i think they like me now. whew. that’s good. but… oh. at the expense of my religion. at the expense of my comfort. at the expense of my own self. why do i have to act this way to be liked? why do i have to be mean to be popular? this isn’t me. i think i’ll stop.
oh. my friends are gone.
at school, i would end up going to the bathroom at lunchtime and eat my food in a cubicle, crying. like a typical american high school movie. (can you imagine the pain little 15 year old me felt when i found out that eating in the toilet is haram!)
it got lonelier. after secondary school, the few friends i had went to different colleges. not many liked me in mine. most of the girls made fun of me and i wasn’t sure why. giggles and whispers when i walked into the room. someone in their friendship group told me it’s because i’m pretty. i found that ridiculous.
i tried to be strong. i used to be very extroverted and didn’t care too much. but dealing with that every single day, it eventually became unbearable. it made me hide in my shell. and that, paired with lockdown, made me nervous to talk, to be myself—whatever ‘myself’ was. i became quiet. i felt more alone.
but wait—a new life is beginning. i’m going to university! in a new city. a fresh start. maybe i can try and be myself. and alhamdulilah, i found the most wonderful friends who i clicked with from the get-go. they understand me. they love me for who i am. i don’t have to be anybody else. life is beginning to get better. i’m celebrated. i finally fit in with like-minded people. i’m beginning to get closer to Allah again. i found Him. i found islam. i’m becoming extroverted again. i’m an adult now.
i turn nineteen and now i think i’m going to get married soon to someone i’ve always wanted to be with. it’s magical, it feels like a fairytale. it’s great. it’s everything i wanted life to be. i’m really scared because it feels too good to be true. i text him that. it’s good and true, he tells me. i smile at my phone.
a year has passed and his attention isn’t what it used to be. oh. is it… my fault? looks like people pleasing hasn’t exactly left yet. i’ll pretend to be all shy and cute now to get his attention—even though i’m quite confident. yes, it worked :)
oh, but it didn’t last. okay, now i’ll act in this way or tell him the great things i did today so he can look forward to having a great wife.
oh—it’s my birthday. i’m twenty now. i felt so loved :) what a perfect way to end teenage-hood. my friends made me feel loved in a way i’ve never felt before—a day i’ll always remember and cherish. i used to dream of friends like that. i finally got his attention again too. he was so good to me. lovely surprises. a beautiful message. he’s always loved me deep down, he tells me. i love you too! things will finally go back to how they were :)
my birthday was a few weeks ago. he’s being distant again. right.
i tell him i love him. he tells me he’s not sure whether he can say it back.
oh
i guess i still have to earn it.
a year has passed again. i know by now i have to do things to feel the attention and love. okay, well, there’s an event coming up that i’m doing a speech for. i know my speech is going to be great and he will love it and love me!
see, i knew it. it was pretty amazing, alhamdulillah. he praised me all day. but it lasted that day.
good for me, my birthday is two weeks away! last time i got so much love and presents, i’m definitely going to finally get his attention again. happy birthday to me! :) i’m twenty-one! …well, where is his message? my friends knock on my door with a cake (has he messaged?) we’re taking pictures in our pyjamas (why hasn’t he texted yet?)
i go to sleep and wake up. still no message. but last year he messaged me right bang at 00:00 :(
okay finally. oh yay :) oh i’m so happy.
my friends look at me funny but celebrate with me nonetheless. i feel bad. by the end of the day i apologise and tell them how grateful i am for them, truly. they’re the answer to my prayers—friends i’ve always wanted. i mean it and they hug me and one of them tells me that the lesson learnt is to be present in the moment with those you have.
and he’s gone again. this time it’s worse. this time it’s during the most important time of my life. which i later found out that he didn’t even know it was. even worse.
but… i tried to be everything good. i was the perfect wifey material. he said he’s always wanted to marry me, i don’t understand.
my friends come into my room. i’m sitting on my bed and they’re on the floor. they tell me i’m changing myself for someone who doesn’t even care. my therapist tells me his behaviour is called love bombing.
i stare in the mirror as i think about this, crying from being ghosted by someone who i thought cared. i think about my childhood. i used to get love and attention by a parent when i got a good grade or when it was my birthday or when i achieved something. any other day—nothing. it led to a lifetime of chasing and chasing to be liked and loved on any other day by everyone. it made me feel as though i cannot simply be… me. i have to be something. i have to be smart. i have to be pretty. i have to do something to be seen. i can’t just exist in a room, standing still, not saying a word to be loved. it’s not enough to just exist. clearly that was still the case here.
i realise i’m repeating the same cycle of my childhood. he reminds me of what my father used to be like, a voice whispers inside. someone told me i should ask myself why i allow myself to repeat these cycles. i journal and find out it’s because that’s all i know and i don’t believe i deserve anything better. (thank God that’s changed now, see: 2024 recap part 1).
i just submitted my dissertation—three years of my degree over. i call my mum crying, telling her i’ve been waiting two weeks for him to reply. i thought he loved me, i say. she yells at me.
you only get hurt as much as you allow. do you call this love? someone who loves you would never ghost you during the most important time of your life when you’re submitting your final exams for university—they would support you! you’ve been putting up with this for far too long, you’ve been crying every day for a year now. you need to finally decide what it is you want—to either continue and have this miserable life for yourself—because this is marriage you’re talking about—or block him. i feel ashamed that the day my daughter submitted her dissertation, she is calling me crying about this instead of celebrating.
the call ends. her words awaken something within me.
all my emotions are gone.
i don’t think i want to perform anymore.
i don’t think i want this anymore.
i’m really tired.
i can’t force people to like me.
a lifetime of forcing people to like me.
i’ve just turned 21.
it’s just me now.
early this year, i opened up my journal and asked myself ‘who even am i?’ and told myself that i’m not allowed to mention any quality that someone has said that i am or has complimented me on — with the only exception being ‘i’m a writer’. i started questioning every single part of myself that i’ve heard people say. i couldn’t say kind. i couldn’t say pretty. i couldn’t say authentic. i couldn’t say confident. i couldn’t say shy. what was even left? what have people not called me? who do *i* think i am?
i landed on a couple of qualities but the one that stood out to me the most was ‘brave’. brave wasn’t a word that came to people’s mouths when they described me. but there have been so many instances in my life where i have been completely and utterly brave. i smiled to myself as i made this discovery—a word to describe me that i knew i was, that i didn’t coin from elsewhere.
so much of what we believe about ourselves comes from what people have told us that we are. but when i did this journal prompt, i brought this quality to the forefront of my mind and started showing up as more brave each day. having uncomfortable conversations with family members. speaking up for myself. saying goodbye to people. stepping outside of my comfort zone. leaving what’s been familiar. taking opportunities. taking risks. and ever since, subhanallah, people have started to call me brave. they can see it too now.
this year, i similarly found out so much about myself that i didn’t know before. i took the time to get to know myself deeper but also came back to myself in so many ways. i already talked about how i came back to myself as a writer in my birthday post, ‘today i’m 21 but have i really aged?’ from writing as a child to eventually losing that spark. in january, i made this substack account and established myself as a writer. i started writing about my life experiences and hit ‘publish,’ not expecting that people would actually listen and treat my stories with such attention and care. not expecting to connect with so many people around the world telling me that they relate to my struggles.
i started cultivating a writing habit, dedicating more of my time to writing my fiction too. by force (because of my degree) but also for fun, for call for submissions, and also for my mosque too.
i love doing yoga and pilates. i used to do exercises to change my body and was filled with insecurities. but through yoga and pilates, i fell in love with exercising to feel good in my body instead.
i love making ginger gut shots in the morning. i love waking up early and spending time with Allah and doing dhikr. i love to read! i love to share my life. i love girlhood and sisterhood. i love being young. i’m not in a rush anymore. i am so young and the air is so fresh and i am taking each day as it comes. as though it’s my first day on earth. 24 hours in a day is a lot, actually!
i have a flip phone and i am taking life slow. life can be slow if i want it to be, it’s a privilege i am grateful to Allah for. i am so busy with so many different things that i’ve happily taken on myself. i’m so active in my community now. i have hobbies. i’m a student. and being bored, when i can, is great. my body needs my care. my body needs my attention. i am giving it my attention. my attention is valuable, it’s precious, and it’s no longer on people who don’t add anything extra into my life that i’m not already giving myself.
i graduated this year! and also started a new degree. i went to an islamic theology summer school. i spent so much time with my friends. i met so many new people. and spent a lot of time, especially, with Allah. i learnt how He wants me to love Him. and i learnt how i like Him to love me too.
this entire year, i’ve been doing monthly date nights with myself. from january to december. i was doing spa nights once a week to spend time with myself—though i couldn’t be consistent with it all the time. i was in therapy for half of this year. i’ve been in weekly therapy since january 2023 and it transformed my life. i stopped in may this year, went back in september and left again in october for a change of plans—i went for coaching instead. and that changed my life.
so, ‘the person you have become…’ my aunty said, speechless.
the person i’ve become. i’ve become myself. the person i always was, deep inside.
since i turned twenty, i’ve been learning more about myself and this was a year i went deeper into that discovery—only to find out that it wasn’t that i was becoming anybody new. i was allowing myself to be who i always was inside. the one that had so many different masks on to please others and make them like me.
it took a lot of struggle over the years and prayers to get here. but i don’t think i want to be seen anymore. i want to be felt. not in a physical sense—i want people to feel what’s in my heart. i want people to feel the emotions i put across in my writing. i want people to feel my passion, my energy, my creativity—the joy i feel within me—when they talk to me.
i want to be experienced by those who love me for who i am. i don’t want the whole entire world to experience me now—i’ve realised that not everybody has to, will want to, or even deserves to. i want to be experienced by those kindred spirits who celebrate the person i truly am without me having to do or be anything. like at my house at university where i live with just one of my best friends now and i can just show up as myself—wear pyjamas, have my hair look like a mop, and still have her knock on my bedroom door on a random tuesday, sit on the floor with me and talk about everything and nothing for hours and laugh until we cry. i go into her bedroom and start doing yoga stretches on her floor without saying a word and she blinks at me, puzzled. i text my other friends and they laugh at my jokes. the space to be me is so freeing. space for imperfection. space for mistakes.
i trust myself now—the voice within me. i don’t have to ask for everyone’s opinion on what i should do and then resent them when it turns out it was a mistake. now i listen to the voice within me. and when i make a mistake, at least it was my mistake to make. and i own it. yes, i messed up. but i will learn. Allah is guiding me.
i’m realising that my life is only just beginning. it feels new. i feel like 2024 was a year Allah set the foundation for myself. leaving things behind. leaving so many different people behind. removing negative attachments. removing people pleasing. removing fear. allowing space for self-love in the truest sense. self-compassion and empathy.
it’s funny because i knew from a child that when i turned twenty-one, i would get my life together. for some reason, i always had this age in mind when i thought about the future. in my head, twenty-one was when life would begin for me. perhaps it’s because i knew that would be the age i graduate university and, to baby sabrgirl, that meant i would have figured things out. she was right—but not exactly in the way she thought. life in that sense is still being figured out. i’m still a student. i don’t have a graduate job yet but, Insha’Allah, Allah has something for me. but 2024, being twenty and then twenty-one, was the year i met baby sabrgirl again and let her run free. and that is how i got it all together. alhamdulillah.
i want to thank each and every one of you for helping me turn my dream of being a writer into a reality. when i made this account in january, i never expected all of you to be here. i used to share islamic advice on tumblr as sabrgirl (i really should return and be more active again but i always struggle to balance social media accounts. i can only focus on one), and i thought that maybe people would only want to hear the generic islamic advice rather than it being tailored to my own stories. i’m so happy that i was completely wrong. thank you so much for reading all that i have to say. it brings me so much joy. you’re always in my gratitude list before i go to bed.
it feels nice knowing that through the good and bad this year, i’ve had readers to share it with. you all have played a part in helping me get through tough times. in all the hardship, when i’ve been upset or crying, i’ve gotten notifications of such sweet comments left by many of you, telling me that i helped you feel less alone, or that you relate, or that what i’m saying is inspiring. there aren’t enough words to describe how much that makes me feel like i have a place here. that maybe, my pain is for a reason. that maybe, i should keep going. that maybe, all of this is to make it into a sabrgirl story to share with the world someday.
i’m so grateful. you all made my 2024 :’) may this next year be filled with so many more blessings, peace, happiness, forgiveness and nearness to Allah for us all, Ameen ♡.
2025 ins
tawakkul
inner peace
being present
social media detoxing
more writing
discipline
stronger boundaries
‘whatever is for you will never miss you’
2025 outs
attachment
anxiety
insecurities
need to control
stressing about what i cannot control
nafs
attribute of the month: Al-Qayyum - the Self-Existing:
december’s attribute post was my part 1 of 2024’s reflection.
an extract:
…after this, the tears came flooding, knowing that Allah—Allah, Lord of all the worlds, King of all kings—believes that *i* am enough just as i am. me! just by simply existing. not having to prove that i’m smart. not having to be well spoken. not it having to be my birthday or getting a good grade or giving a really good speech at an event. not having to do anything to earn His love and attention—which i’ve felt like i’ve had to do my entire life and also within the relationship, which has ended up making me so performative. but just me existing there in my pyjamas, breathing, was enough for Him. He thought i was so enough that He created me! billions and billions of people have existed and He thought *i* was worthy enough to be one of them. and if God thinks that i’m enough… why shouldn’t i?
and for the first time in my life, i feel enough just as i am. i am enough. i’m a worthy creation of Allah. and i can depend on Him, Al-Qayyum, the Self-Existing who doesn’t depend on anyone.
read more here:
i still can’t get over the fact that this attribute is a perfect finale for the year. Al-Qayyum, the One who doesn’t depend on anyone. but we all depend on Him. another 2025 in: dependence on Allah :)
grab a blessing:
la hawla wala quwwata illa billah
(there is no power or strength except with Allah)Allahumma inni as’aluka al afiyah
(O Allah, i ask You to be saved from any afflictions)
jazakallah for reading :) and, it’s a wrap for 2024! i’ll always remember this year. i’m sad because even though there was a lot of hardship this year, there was so much good. so many happy memories. i always get scared at the end of the year because i think …what if the next year is bad? what if, God forbid, a loved one dies? i don’t want to enter a new year and find out, i’d rather stay in the same one where i know it’s safe. but that’s the fear of the unknown talking. like my therapist said, we’ll cross that bridge when it comes. i’m taking each day as it comes and not stressing about things i cannot control. Insha’Allah 2025 will be an even better year. may Allah make it so, Ameen ♡.
see you all on the other side. may you all have the happiest new year. sending so much love, as always,
— SabrGirl ♡.
JazakiAllah for your heartfelt story. What you went through is natural, almost inevitable for someone with your story. You have lived so many lives, tried to be so many different people, just to find one version of yourself that others would love. It’s quite understandable. You were chasing what most of us are: connection, recognition, love. And for a while, it probably felt like you could earn it. But as you have realized, love that you have to perform for isn’t love at all. It is exhausting, temporary, and ultimately hollow.
You said, “I can’t force people to like me”. That realization is profound. It is the moment the façade cracks, and you step into something real, something that Allah has always wanted for you. In Islam, we are taught that our worth doesn’t come from how others see us, but from our relationship with Allah and how we carry ourselves in this world. The love you are chasing? It is already written for you, in the hearts of those who are meant to love you for who you are, not for what you do.
When you said, “I have to be something… smart, pretty, enough to be seen,” that was touching. But look at where you are now. You have stopped trying to fill a void with attention that never lasts. You are breaking free from the cycle of conditional love that tied you to your past. This isn’t weakness or loss. It is maturity. It is you recognizing that Allah made you enough from the very beginning. Your existence, your presence, your soul. That is where your value lies, and it has never been tied to anyone else’s approval.
You don’t need the applause. You don’t need the performance. Allah sees you. The people who truly love you will see you. And in choosing to love yourself, as Allah already does, you have found something far more valuable than the fleeting attention you once chased. You’ve found freedom.
May Allah fill our hearts with contentment, and make us confident in the person He created us to be. Ameen.
The pain of not fitting in and not knowing who you are and who you want to be is soo hard. I had that experience in uni unfortunately. But those experiences are necessary for growth and Alhamdulillah I have a much better understanding of myself now. Masha'Allah I'm proud of the growth you've had and though those experiences were hard, like you said you're so young right now and when you look back at your life you'll be glad you had those experiences early on. May the next year be filled with more personal growth and confidence for us all Insha'Allah!