december - attribute of the month

2024 recap - part 1: on healing from what didn't work out

this is SabrGirl. a newsletter where, through my own life experiences and struggles, i hope to inspire, encourage, and also help people feel less alone in their life and islamic journey ♡

---

salam everyone :) i can’t believe i’m writing the final attribute post of this year. i’m pretty sure i start all these attribute posts with the phrase ‘i can’t believe…’ but this time i actually can’t believe how fast time goes. i’ve loved writing these posts and reflecting on Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ’s attributes this entire year. my new year resolution for 2024 was to learn five new attributes of Allah and, alhamdulillah, through doing these posts since january, not only have i learnt more than five—i’m also so happy to have learnt and reflected on them with you guys. thank you for being here, reading my reflections and experiences and treating my stories with such care.

that being said, as usual, after i asked Allah to give me one of His names to reflect on for december, i spun the attribute wheel. it landed on Al-Qayyum, the Self-Existing, the Sustainer.

‘qayyum’ comes from the root qaf-waw-mim (ق و م), which has the following classical connotations: to stand up, to ascend, to become high, to start, to come, to be on-going, to exist, to make upright, to make righteous.

reflecting on Al-Qayyum, the One who is completely free from dependence on anything or anyone, i couldn’t help but reflect on my year and realise that this attribute is actually the perfect finale for 2024 in relation to my life. i was already planning on writing a 2024 reflection post and i wanted to save everything for that, so i tried really hard to think of something else to write about for this attribute. but no matter how hard i tried, nothing else came to mind. and it’s now mid-december! it just means i’ll have to write my recap in two parts :)

---

Al-Qayyum is the one completely free from dependence on anything or anyone. He is Self-Existing. He doesn’t need anyone. but we all need Him.

this year, the message has been very clear from the beginning. it was very simple. it was: ‘trust Me’. everything that’s happened this year, both good and bad, all the lessons i’ve learnt—it’s all allowed me to only rely on Allah.

i feel like most of the posts that i’ve written this year have been, in a way, me navigating and processing my emotions—heartbreak, hurt, disappointment, loneliness, being misunderstood—that have resulted out of a specific situation and relationship. i haven’t directly and explicitly made a post on my love life for a number of reasons but i think i’m finally ready to write about it.

---

this was a year where i didn’t get what i wanted. what i really wanted for years. it was definitely a shocker because, alhamdulillah, i’m quite happy to say that Allah spoils me. i’ve always felt like a princess when it comes to Him. i always get what i want. He always gives it to me. i pray hard and He makes all my dreams come true. (the secret? because i *truly* know that He will - ‘I am as my servant thinks I am’).

but this time, i didn’t get what i wanted. and oh man, did i really want it—did i want him.

it didn’t even just hurt me. the little girl inside, the little girl who’s looked up to this person for years was the one most affected. the one who used to see him do adhan at the mosque when we were both kids and thought he had such a nice voice. the one who always thought he was so intelligent and saw him put such smart thoughts and opinions on his story and copied him. the one who was always so excited to see him at the mosque. the one who had a crush on him for years growing up.

i wanted it my entire life. i thought it was mine, i thought i had it. i thought it was good. i thought it was everything.

but it turns out what i wanted wasn’t good for me. at all. and i mean, the signs were right there. they were there in my face. in my body, even—i was feeling the misery, i was feeling it draining me. a voice kept talking to me—whispering, at first and then slowly getting louder and louder saying, this isn’t what it’s meant to feel like. it shouldn’t feel like this. it shouldn’t be like this.

but i was clinging on, i was ignoring it. i wanted what i wanted. i wanted him. and when i put my mind to something, i go and get it. i’m stubborn and i fight and i fight. though i wasn’t willing to look in the mirror and see that i’m the only one wearing the soldier’s armour. i wasn’t willing to accept actions over words and see the relationship for what it truly was. and it was eating me from the inside out. i was miserable. utterly miserable for so long.

early this year, i would literally come home from uni and cry on the floor like i was a character in a movie. looking back, now that i’m out of it, i ask myself, ‘why did i even want it in the first place?’ but it was different when i was there—it always is.

in my last post, i very briefly touched on it and mentioned how my best friend once told me, ‘‘i think the reason why you’re so hurt about this all is not even so much that it didn’t work out but because you’re like, ‘damn… you’re the last person i ever expected all of this from’”. and while i think it’s a mixture of both, the latter was definitely true and more prevalent. it was shocking. i think that’s why i wasn’t willing to accept it for what it was. i was confused. i was waiting for the original person to come back. the one mini me admired so much. and i don’t mean that lightly. i mean he was genuinely my role model. i thought this person was one of the best people to ever exist growing up. and he was also everything i wanted to be. i’m not even kidding. even though he was a couple of years older than me, when you’re young, that age gap seems massive and i was thinking, ‘i hope when i’m his age, i’m like this too’. even when he did bad things, i would copy that as well.

i wanted to marry him forever. and he also wanted to marry me since he was young too, he said. so when i was finally in a relationship with him and it all felt real and i thought i would marry him, it seemed like a dream come true. i felt like i was truly breathing and alive. it was the perfect aesthetic too. childhood friends to lovers.

but then i got hurt. over and over. for ages. i remember the first time i got hurt two years ago, i remember pacing around my room, literally breathless and saying out loud: ‘tell me this isn’t happening. Allah—tell me that this isn’t happening!’

i never expected any of it. still, i was waiting. i was thinking to myself, he will come back. maybe it’s just a phase. the one i remember will return. right? …right?

now i’m not so sure i ever truly knew this person at all. the version of him i admired or the version that hurt me. that’s why, in my last post, when my dad was telling me about that proposal, i said that i told him i’m scared i’ll never truly know someone. it’s terrifying—thinking you know someone for years and they’re not who you thought they were at all.

sometimes i get so angry and confused and question Allah:

why? why would You do this? You *know* how much i wanted it. why would You put me through all of that? how could You make me have a crush on someone my ENTIRE life and go through all of that just for it to not be good for me? why did You make me meet him that young and give me that fantasy and all those dreams and signs that this was right when he was just going to end up treating me like that? what was the point??? what was the point of it all! praying so hard and crying and doing all those tahajjud prayers, begging for it, just to not get it??? just for it to not even be for me??? i don’t understand!

but even with all the complex feelings—the resentment, anger and hurt paired with acceptance and understanding and then layered with more resentment—i know why i needed it. it was both a rude awakening and a handprint on my heart that will stay with me forever—something that taught me what this world really is (nothing) and that 1. nothing is yours and 2. to only, truly, and wholly depend on and get attached to Al-Qayyum, the Self-Existing.

and Allah was very patient with me. He told me a million times to trust Him. to only depend on Him. He gave me dreams where He asked me to trust Him. my birthday present from Him that i even made a post about was Him telling me to trust Him—which was specifically in relation to attachments to people. may’s attribute of the month, when it all ended, was Al-Wakeel, the Trustee. He spoke to me through so many people telling me to trust Him. to only depend on Him. to depend on the One who doesn’t depend on anyone. but i was always so confused. i kept asking, ‘how? how do i trust Him? i don’t know how!’

but i’ve learnt that to trust is to depend on. to trust is to rely on.

i’ve often mentioned my ring which has the quranic verse:
alai-sallahu bi kafin ‘abdahu? - “is Allah not sufficient for His servant?” (39:37)

when i first got it, i used to look at it as a reminder, in the hopes that Allah would be enough for me. but i never really felt like He was. when i looked down at the ring, i read it as Allah should be enough for you. i wanted Him to be—i just didn’t know how or where to begin.

but last week, i was at a restaurant waiting for my food to come to the table and looked down at my ring again. and i read the words. alai-sallahu bi kafin ‘abdahu? - is Allah not sufficient for His servant? and i finally thought, ‘completely. you are enough for me, ya Allah. completely’.

i remember in may 2023, when i was in the same relationship, i was feeling so incredibly anxious about—feeling restless, insecure, not at peace, stressed out, neglected and hurt but still wanting it so bad. and i had a dream where i was reading the qur’an and the verse on the page was, ‘is Allah not sufficient for His servant?’ in arabic. a few lines down, the same ayah was there. then the word ‘kafi’ (sufficient/enough) was highlighted on the page so many times. it was like: is Allah not enough for His servant? Is Allah not enough? enough. enough. Is Allah not enough for His servant? when i woke up, i knew instantly what Allah was trying to tell me. that i need to detach. that i need to let go.

it’s interesting. my mum told me months later that, when me and my brother were little, she had a dream where she saw the same words, alai-sallahu bi kafin ‘abdahu? and when she woke up, she knew that something big was about to happen where she’s going to need to wholly rely on Allah and trust Him. then she got divorced.

i initially panicked when she told me that.

“mama! stop, wait! i had that dream a few months ago!!”

i got scared it means i’m going to get divorced and she told me to calm down—that it must just mean that Allah is telling me to rely on Him in relation to my own life. which was true—i was attached to the boy and the relationship so much last year. a year later, i had begun to detach completely. by may this year, i didn’t even want it anymore, i was fed up. but it’s interesting that the verse in the dream was about relationships for both me and my mum.

---

when it comes to being enough—my whole life, i haven’t like i am. and i didn’t even know that was the case. but i’ve always used things, and especially people, to fill in the void within me so that i can feel enough.

the turning point was quite recent—a couple of months ago. i had a nightmare and woke up in the middle of the night. and it was about him. it was strange because i thought i was over it but then i had this nightmare. it showed me that subconsciously, i still have healing to do. the dream was about something that will eventually happen but i didn’t want it to: him being with someone that isn’t me.

in the dream, i was insecure like crazy. he was now doing things that i wanted him to do for me the entire relationship with someone else, and treating her the way i should’ve been and wanted to be treated. and i was watching it all happen. on top of that, it was with my friend. i could feel the emotions my dream self was feeling. she was saying, why wasn’t i good enough? i was too young and immature, that’s why he didn’t treat me right. maybe i wasn’t smart enough. he likes intelligent women. i was even spiralling, thinking about buying a coaching package but it was £5000 and i was thinking (in the dream), ‘what should i do? i can’t afford that! maybe i should sell something…’

i woke up with my heart racing, my jaw clenched at everything that happened in the dream and was breathless. even though i had woken up, i was still feeling the emotions of my dream self—not good enough, insecure, upset at how everything i did to try and make it work wasn’t enough and after all that he put me through, he went and became better at the cost of my own pain, and was doing everything i wanted him to do for me to someone else. which is probably (annoyingly) inevitable. but i realised that subconsciously, i still was giving him a lot of weight on what i believe about myself and don’t feel enough as i am.

i laid there, catching my breath and turned on my side to try and sleep. but i couldn’t. so instead, i got up, did wudhu and prayed tahajjud. i vented to Allah and told Him that i want to feel enough as i am right now. that i want to be okay without a relationship and marriage with him. then i started praying for the kind of man i want too. afterwards, i felt so much calmer and then got back into bed.

but the conversation didn’t end there. i started asking Allah if i’m enough for Him and worthy of being loved just as i am. initially, i didn’t feel like i was. i was saying to myself, ‘no. if i don’t feel enough, how am i going to believe the Lord of the Worlds thinks i’m enough?’

suddenly, a voice within me started talking. it said, ‘look at all the things you’ve been given in life, would Allah have given all of this to someone He hates?’.

i replied and said, ‘no, but i still have so much i need to work on myself. i need to be much more attentive in my prayers, i need to do this and this and that—i’m not there yet’.

the voice said, ‘but progress is endless. you’re a human so there’ll always be something to work on. when you get better at something, there’ll be something else to get better at. so with that logic, no one is ever worthy of being loved as they are because no one will never reach an end. because we’re imperfect and Allah is free of any imperfections’.

i went back and forth like this for a bit. and then i finally realised…

Allah thinks i’m enough just as i am.

i realised that just because i have things i need to work on doesn’t mean that i’ll only be worthy and enough once i reach that point. i realised that it’s not mutually exclusive to be enough just as you are and also have things to better about yourself.

after this, the tears came flooding, knowing that Allah—Allah, Lord of all the worlds, King of all kings—believes that *i* am enough just as i am. me! just by simply existing. not having to prove that i’m smart. not having to be well spoken. not it having to be my birthday or getting a good grade or giving a really good speech at an event. not having to do anything to earn His love and attention—which i’ve felt like i’ve had to do my entire life and also within the relationship, which has ended up making me so performative. but just me existing there in my pyjamas, breathing, was enough for Him. He thought i was so enough that He created me! billions and billions of people have existed and He thought *i* was worthy enough to be one of them. and if God thinks that i’m enough… why shouldn’t i?

and for the first time in my life, i feel enough just as i am. i am enough. i’m a worthy creation of Allah. and i can depend on Him, Al-Qayyum, the Self-Existing who doesn’t depend on anyone. all because of that nightmare!

and now that i believe that i’m enough, Allah is definitely more than enough for me now. because i’m just a human. a tiny little dot—less than that, even—compared to how grand and big Allah is. so if i’m enough—i don’t even have words to describe what Allah is. and i truly believe it with everything. HasbiAllah. Allah is sufficient for me. and i depend on Him, Al-Qayyum, the One who doesn’t depend on anyone, way more than i ever have before. alhamdulillah.

---

i’ve lost a lot and gained a lot and learnt a lot—but at the end of this year, i’m truly left with Allah. i can feel His presence now. i can feel Him with me when i’m in a room full of people. i can feel Him with me as i write this.

He was with me in ways i didn’t even know i needed for the entirety of this year. He’s always been with me but this year i could feel it and it really showed. this post would go on forever if i explained all the ways He guided me. He was leading me right to Him. He’s been guiding me even when i didn’t feel guided. i can truly look back at so many things, even the things that seemed so insignificant, and see that it was for a reason—to prepare me for things He’s bringing my way, whether it’s good or bad.

He helped me become my own woman. He helped me stand on my own two feet. He showed me how to love Him. He showed me secret ways to connect with Him. He directed me to different courses. He gave me books that helped me learn about different parts of Islam that, i think, are quite hidden in this modern world. He told me how i can better myself. how i can get rid of my ego.

so, now, i can answer the question myself that i asked Him in anger and pain. why did He do this? why did He put me through this?

well, to meet the woman i see when i stand in the mirror today who, if you look close enough, has a string on her heart that shoots all the way up to the sky and is attached to the hands of One named Al-Qayyum, the Self-Existing, the Sustainer.

---

prompts/reflections:

• Al-Qayyum (the Self-Existing) is often always paired with Al-Hayy (the Living) in the Qur’an. think of ayatul kursi. why do you think this is the case?

• reflect on Al-Qayyum’s presence in your life. what comes to mind? how does He show up for you?

• what can you do to ensure you’re only depending on Allah?

---

grab a blessing:

• Allahu laaa ilaaha illaa huw Al-Haiyul Qayyum; laa taakhuzuhoo sinatunw wa laa nawm; lahoo maa fissamaawaati wa maa fil ard…
  
  Ayatul Kursi: (Allah — there is no God but He, the Living, the Self-Subsisting and All-Sustaining. Slumber seizes Him not, nor sleep. To Him belongs whatsoever is in the heavens and whatsoever is in the earth…) (2:256).

---

jazakallah for reading! i’m very terrified to send this one out. i’m trembling as i’m about to press publish.

i’ve been in such a slump this past week and it’s been hard to get out of it. when i couldn’t pray, i allowed myself to properly rest and take a break from the world but then… the rest just never ended. ever since, i’ve been slacking. eating so unhealthily, sleeping so late. oversleeping. i haven’t even wanted to write my attribute post either and it really stressed me out how it’s almost the end of the month and i haven’t even sent it out yet! but giving myself some grace helped. please pray that i get out of this slump asap as i have deadlines coming up! but i hope you enjoyed reading :’)

i can’t believe the attribute posts are over for 2024! i’m so happy that you guys like the attribute series :’) it’s been really exciting spinning the wheel each month.

that being said, here were 2024’s attributes of each month:

january - al-Ghaffar (the constant forgiver)
february - al-Nur (the light)
march - al-Khabeer (the all-aware)
april - al-Maalik ul Mulk (the master of the kingdom)
may - al-Wakeel (the trustee)
june - al-Mu’izz (the honourer)
july - al-Qahhar (the most supreme)
august - al-Muqtadir (the all-powerful)
september - al-Basit (the expander)
october - al-Wadood (the all-loving)
november - al-Mu’id (the restorer)
december - al-Qayyum (the self-existing)

you can click here to see and read the collection!

see you all on the other side in 2025 where we will, Insha’Allah, begin again! thank you for being part of the ride.

sending love, as always,

—SabrGirl ♡.