the month of mercy also includes forgiving yourself

final reflections as we bid the month goodbye

this ramadan has been transporting me down memory lane. not the one that’s filled with a nostalgic breeze that comes with reminiscing happy moments. no—for me, it’s been the path of the past filled with sin, shame and grief. moments from previous years i’ve pushed down to the bottom, in the attempts to forget and neglect. to pretend that was never me.

it all started with the Qur’an. following yaqeen institute’s Qur’an 30 for 30 series, i’ve been journalling and reflecting on the verses mentioned in relation to my own life. and in the first part of ramadan, a lot of verses mentioned were about Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ’s mercy:

Verily, Allah undertakes to accept the repentance of only those who do evil ignorantly and then repent soon after. These are they to whom Allah turns with mercy; and Allah is All-Knowing, Wise. (4:18)

He (Allah) has taken upon Himself to show mercy. (6:13)

And there are others who have acknowledged their faults. They mixed good deeds with bad deeds. It may be that Allah will turn to them with compassion. Surely, Allah is Most Forgiving, Merciful. (9:102)

He (Abraham) said, ‘And who despairs of the mercy of his Lord except those who are lost?’ (15:57)

naturally, reading verses about sin and Allah’s forgiveness opened up the box of the past—remembering low moments and making istighfar.

there are a few verses in the Qur’an where Allah says that He forgives those ‘who do evil ignorantly and then repent’. but every time i read them, i would feel incredibly guilty and removed myself from that category. i always thought the ones who sin ‘ignorantly’ are those who don’t know that they’re sinning. but i was conscious of what the bad deeds were. i thought i didn’t deserve mercy for that.

but listening to shaykh Abdullah Oduro reflect on the verses, he mentions:

“ignorance here isn’t a lack of knowledge. rather, it’s someone who’s acting in a manner that is not considering the consequences of your actions. you’re not thinking ‘what’s going to happen if i do this?’”

for the first time, it felt like a door was opening for me after hearing this. the door of Allah’s Mercy. comfort and hope rushed in, and when embracing me, it felt like a warm hug i’ve been waiting my entire life for. as though i were deprived of food but in desperate need for. i hardly ever thought about the future consequences back then. it’s only when i got older that i realised what the consequences were—in the aftermath. so, i thought to myself… ‘i’m part of these people who Allah shows mercy to?’

finding out that Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ has also saved 99% of His Mercy for the day of judgement and that we’re only experiencing 1% here was also incredibly shocking, in the best possible way:

the Prophet (ﷺ) said:

“Allah has one hundred (degrees of) mercy, of which He has shared one between all of creation, by virtue of which you show mercy and compassion towards one another and the wild animals show compassion towards their young. And He has kept back ninety-nine (degrees of) mercy by virtue of which He will show mercy to His slaves on the Day of Resurrection.” (Sunan Ibn Majah 4293)

if we look around and look at our own lives, how much of Allah’s mercy do we see? we sin and make mistakes and still He bestows His mercy upon us. we aren’t perfect and stumble but still He blesses us with so much provision, answers our du’as and forgives us—and that’s only 1%? subhanallah.

as the days of ramadan progressed, i began to feel a deep sense of hope in Allah’s mercy—more than ever before. i finally believed in His forgiveness. and in my Qur’an journal, underneath these verses, there was a recurring sentence that i kept writing over and over again.

‘i need to forgive myself’.

‘i need to forgive myself’.

‘if Allah can forgive me, why can’t i forgive myself?’

so in my prayers, i began asking for Allah’s help with this.

thus, the second half of ramadan began and it was a break from praying for me. one evening, after getting ready for bed, i went down to the kitchen at 9pm to make my usual nightly chamomile tea, and found my best friend cooking in the kitchen. as the kettle boiled, we began talking and bounced from topic to topic. somehow, eventually, the conversation ended up on the past—my past. i have no idea how the conversation led there, the only thing i remember is that she said something that made me feel safe.

i began explaining everything to her—what was going on at the time, the mistakes i made, that fact that i wasn’t always visibly muslim—things i haven’t even admitted to myself. i’ve only ever brought it up when asking Allah for forgiveness but apart from that, i’ve buried it deep within—so much so that it eventually got to a point where i would forget to ask Allah for forgiveness about it because i convinced myself so much that i never was that kind of person and believed the lies i was telling myself.

but that night, as we sat at the breakfast bar, i finally said everything aloud. to myself, and to her.

and subhanallah, through her, it was as if Allah was talking to me the entire time.

throughout the night, she was telling me that God is a forgiving God and that there are so many signs of Him forgiving me. it was beautiful. even though she’s a christian, she was naming so many signs of Allah’s forgiveness in my life—blessings that He’s given me, including the fact that He invited me for umrah recently when i’m still so young.

something i’ll never forget is when she said, ‘it seems like God’s forgiven you. it’s just you that needs to forgive yourself now.’

she even helped me realise how i’ve also been hard on myself and blaming myself for things that weren’t even my fault. when she asked me how long ago i’m talking about, she was shocked and said, ‘you were just a baby!!! why are you being so hard on yourself? the context literally makes sense and it wasn’t your fault.’

reflecting on it, i realised how true that was. because i never let it out, it seemed so recent in my mind. i didn’t realise how many years it’s been since i truly became a better muslim and a more practising one beyond just praying and reading Qur’an, which were the only things i used to do.

by the time the conversation ended, we could not believe the time.

it was 4:00am.

we accidentally talked for seven hours straight. without even realising.

but to my surprise, when she asked me afterwards if i’m okay after talking about everything—as a lot of what i was telling her were actually deeply traumatic things that even she was incredibly bamboozled to hear—i wasn’t sad at all. instead, i felt so much lighter. i had been suppressing the shame in for years. letting it out, it felt like i was paper floating through the air.

and hearing her throughout that night, it felt like Allah was telling me it’s okay, I’ve forgiven you, please forgive yourself.

i always used to feel guilty about forgiving myself for sins because i didn’t know if Allah had forgiven me. i felt arrogant for forgiving myself—how could i do that if Allah hasn’t forgiven me?

as a result, i’ve spent these past few years hating the old version of myself and internally judging people who reminded me of her—subconsciously hating on them because i hated the old me. making myself and my ego feel good for no longer being like that, only to further suppress the shame.

but this ramadan, i’ve been learning that it’s not a bad thing to think that Allah’s forgiven me. i’m slowly getting used to the idea of Allah’s forgiveness. i’m slowly becoming comfortable with feeling like i deserve it. i’m beginning to understand what it’s like to have hope in His Mercy. i’m starting to understand how Merciful of a Lord Allah actually is.

i’ve been learning what it’s like to show the old version of me mercy too. there were reasons why i was acting in that way. life was incredibly rough and i used to long for a day where i could run away. now, for these past few years, i have been away from that environment and my life has completely changed for the better—and instead of nourishing her and making her feel safe, i’ve spent my time hating on her instead.

her, who just wanted an escape. her, who hadn’t yet found the beauty of islam. her, who was trying to figure out how a religion that claims to be perfect had people in her environment acting in horrible ways. her, who was destined to find God and islam through making those very mistakes.

my conversation with my best friend was the way my du’a to forgive myself was answered. hearing her talk like that with such beautiful words to describe Allah was incredibly heartwarming. i pray Allah rewards her.

so if there’s anything i’ve learnt this ramadan, it’s that the month of mercy doesn’t just include Allah’s mercy on us. it also includes forgiving ourselves.

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ramadan, day 18, a journal excerpt:

‘…she doesn’t deserve my hatred. she already doesn’t have many friends—not really any TRUE ones, like the ones i have now. she hasn’t met them yet. she doesn’t know life will get better. she just knows pain and neglection. why have i hated her for so long?

dear old, teenage me

i’m sorry that i’ve spent so long hating you. you haven’t deserved that. not when i know you just want love. i should’ve been the first one to give it to you but i’ve also been ignoring you and hating you. for that, i’m sorry. i know you’re doing things that are wrong. i know you’re hiding everything and are trying to and your nervous system is going crazy and you don’t even know. my love, i wish i were alive to hold your hand and drag you out of everything you’re going through. i’m really sorry that you’re going through that and that you think you don’t have a choice or that there’s nothing better. my sweetheart. there is so much love and joy written and waiting for you.

i forgive you, for everything, and i’m so sorry that i blamed you for it. it wasn’t your fault. i have tried to ignore you and neglect you and have hated you for it, but looking back, how can i blame you? i’m starting to give you some grace, teenage me. you’re literally so young, going through so much and you’re incredibly brave and resilient. i’m proud of you for enduring. i forgive you for your mistakes. you’re a baby, whether you like it or not—it’s okay, i’m also a baby too. i like being one, though. i think you would be proud of me. i’m really sorry it’s taken me so long to be proud of you. you’re suffering so horribly. so horribly. life is so hard, you literally want to run away, you numb it with music and maladaptive daydreaming, you’re not even happy, you have a terrible relationship with your father (which, btw, gets better) and also with everyone else in general, you have no friends and you have toxic people in your life.

of course you self sabotaged. of course you made mistakes. of course you’re doing what you’re doing. you’re just trying to hang on. i’m sorry you thought all of that would fix everything. tbh, you helped me find Allah. so thank you. but that’s a story for another day. but i’m going to hug you now. i love you, teenage me. i don’t hate you anymore and i’m truly sorry that i ever did. i hope you can forgive me and love me too. maybe we can start again and get to know each other? you truly deserve the world. i healed my inner child, now it’s time to heal you. i’m sorry it’s taken so long but i’m here now, completely and with love.

love from 20’s me.’

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attribute of the month, as-sabur, the all-patient:

this month’s attribute is also a reminder to be patient with ourselves as well, the same way Allah is patient with us. He doesn’t punish us immediately for our wrongdoings, He gives us time to repent and make amends. if there is something you’re struggling with but keep falling back into—give yourself some grace. maybe you didn’t sin as badly as last time. maybe the gap between the fall was bigger. maybe you’re gradually gaining more strength, like a child learning to walk who falls back down but keeps getting back up again and is able to walk further than the last time. let the beautiful name of As-Sabur remind you that you’re not a light switch. be patient with yourself as you try and purify yourself. because As-Sabur, the All-Patient, is also being patient with you.

looking to the All-Patient for patience

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grab a blessing:

• Allahumma innaka afuwwun tuhibbul afwa fa’fu annee
  (O Allah, You are Forgiving and love to forgive, so forgive me)

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jazakallah for reading. i say this all the time as i’m always quite vulnerable on here, but now i’m truly terrified to send this out. i feel like the whole world is going to think of me as the worst person on earth now, as i’m aware that being ambiguous and vague leave’s it up to the reader’s interpretation… i have no idea what kind of wild theories are being imagined right now! but me writing this is a way for myself to start showing myself some mercy and grace. to no longer be afraid. to know what it’s like to feel deserving of it. to allow the shame to come up, rise to the surface and then gently leave.

we’ve come to the end of ramadan :( there was once a ramadan where i put my hijab on for the first time, and every ramadan, i’ve been hoping that the month feels as physically transformative for me as it did that year. a few years have passed by but ramadan hasn’t felt as powerful since. but now, alhamdulillah, i’m feeling a similar kind of transformation. a mental and emotional one. the gap in between is like a love letter between me and my old self and we’re reconnecting again. she found the beauty of islam that year and ramadan—and this year, this ramadan, i found her again.

believing in Allah’s Mercy, both then, and now, is what led me here.

i hope ramadan was beautiful for you. even if you don’t feel a physical transformation, know that spiritually, there is one, even if you can’t see it. may Allah accept all of our du’as and good deeds and forgive us for our sins.

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eid mubarak in advance! i pray you all have a blessed and happy one. sending so much love,

— SabrGirl ♡.