ramadan series: reflections

'by the fleeting time'... (103:2)

salam everyone! how is ramadan treating you all? what a week it’s been!

I recently came across this picture:

text: Suhoor shows us that we can wake up for fajr. Tawareeh shows us we can stand up in prayer at night. Fasting shows us we do have self control. Ramadan is not a temporary increase of our imaan, it shows us what we are capable of doing every day.

this post encapsulates the beauty of self-reformation within ramadan and how this month brings to the surface what we may not have known about ourselves before or have repressed or forgotten. the first part about being able to wake up for fajr truly resonated with me as, for those of you who read my previous post on ramadan: thoughts, feelings, intentions, you’ll remember my mention of a chronic illness that leaves me unable to fast. yet, not only does it mean I cannot fast, but it also gives me immense difficulty in waking up for fajr— or, if I do wake up, gives me difficulties in functioning well for the rest of my day afterwards. the symptoms that affect me on a day-to-day basis are slightly eased with a lot of rest, and if I sleep too little (or, irritatingly, too much), I get migraines and chronic fatigue that often leave me bedridden. before ramadan, from about september to… now, I’ve been trying and challenging myself to wake up. but, when I did, and if I didn’t manage to get back to sleep afterwards or had an early class at university, I would end up feeling so weak and fatigued— sometimes to the point where I wasn’t able to go to my lectures and had to shut off the lights and blinds, because i’d have such bad migraines that going down into sujood in the rest of my prayers would be tremendously painful. this would leave me feeling so upset, so guilty, and so frustrated because it’s an obligation, it’s fard, and I felt, and still feel like I wasn’t being a good Muslim. I would tell myself, it’s your jihad, you need to try harder and strive for Allah. but it would affect me in everything—from my ability to do my university work to even standing up and going downstairs without feeling like an anchor is pulling me down to the floor.

yet, now that it’s ramadan… alhamdulillah, i’ve been waking up every single day for fajr so far. beforehand, in my many frustrations and cries and pain that I was experiencing through trying to wake up and battling my illness, I was told that I should start off slow to allow my body to adjust. so, I set two days where I would wake up for fajr then would eventually wake up for three days, then four, then every day, Insha’Allah. I was still waking for two days a week and prayed fajr when I naturally woke up on my other days, and now, all of a sudden, i’m miraculously waking up every single day in ramadan without intense pain! subhanallah! i’m not sure whether this is Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ miraculously giving me the strength to do this for ramadan or, like the post mentions, He had already given me the strength to wake up consistently and I’ve already had this capability inside of me. I think it’s the former because of my painful experiences but, who knows, perhaps it really is the latter.

I have had my days this week where i’ve been feeling so dizzy, hot, tired and had slight headaches and sad spells— especially on the days where I’ve had early classes this week and wasn’t able to sleep again after fajr—but it has been nowhere near as bad and severe as it has been before ramadan. it’s a miracle! alhamdulillah. what has ramadan shown you about yourself so far? maybe this is your sign to try and challenge yourself and see your capabilities, too, if you haven’t done so already!

I also mentioned that I was going to try and fast for two days this ramadan through four half-fasts, but that plan is officially scrapped. I found out at jumu’ah that it’s actually a sin to fast if you’re sick because Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ has specifically said:

“whoso among you is sick or is on a journey shall fast the same number of other days; and for those who are able to fast only with great difficulty is an expiation — the feeding of a poor man. And whoso performs a good work with willing obedience, it is better for him” (2:185),

which means that those who are sick should not fast, and if you do, you’re being disobedient to Him and putting your will over His will. the way I started panicking when I heard this because I had already done a half-fast earlier this week and tried to fast in previous years to purposefully push myself. the whole time I was doing something wrong! may Allah forgive me. but alhamdulillah, now I know that I shouldn't and that my fidya is enough as a substitute as it's feeding the poor through alms.

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“And We will surely try you until We distinguish those among you who strive for the cause of God and those who are steadfast. And We will make known the facts about you” (47:32)

I was volunteering at my university’s big iftar event where, alhamdulilah, we had a big turnout with so many student, staff, their family members, friends and non-muslim guests. I was presenting an islamic exhibition, so I had the chance to speak to a lot of different people and asked them how their ramadan was going, and the responses were quite bittersweet. people were saying that they’re happy ramadan is here, but they’re finding it hard and difficult for so many different reasons. some people are finding it hard to balance fasting and their increased acts of worship with school or work, some people are away from their families, some people don’t think they’re doing enough, people are so exhausted and tired. i’m also finding it difficult as i’m trying to complete the Qur’an this month and am struggling to balance reading a lot of pages every day and doing my university work—especially as it’s my final year and semester with my big deadlines in may. i’ve definitely been blinking away tears in the library this week. however, regardless of what circumstances you have and if you’re finding ramadan hard or easy, I want to let you know that you are doing so well. keep going because Allah is and will reward you for all of your efforts. Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said:

"Indeed your Lord said: 'Every good deed is rewarded with ten of the same up to seven hundred times over. Fasting is for Me, and I shall reward for it.' (Jami`at-Tirmidhi 764)

the blessings of all your efforts and struggles are being multiplied in this blessed month, and you will see the reward for it one day. as Allah said in the verse I mentioned above, He will try you to see who truly strives for His sake and who is patient. this means that He makes the believers endure hardship as a test and, in a month as blessed as ramadan, the hardship may be increased as a way to reveal those who are truly righteous. ramadan is tiring and hard but Allah is al-Khabeer and is aware of all that you do. all the hardship that you may be battling with, although it feels hard for you, know that Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ is smiling down at you and will certainly reward you for it. sometimes, it may be easy to compare this current ramadan to previous years, where you feel that you were perhaps making more progress and that it was evidently transformative for you. however, it may be that a previous ramadan explicitly changed you, but in another ramadan, although the change is not so physically evident, you may be getting the most blessings and internal cleansing of the soul and heart through the hardship you endure. it may even be that you feel that this ramadan is the best ramadan you’ve ever had in your life. every year is different— every day is different—so try your best to your full capabilities each day. one day, you may have great strength and your capability and your best is really high. but the next day, you may not have that much strength, so your capability and your best is lower. regardless of what your best looks like each day, try the best that you can. remember that The Prophet ﷺ was asked,

"What deeds are loved most by Allah?" he said, "The most regular constant deeds even though they may be few." (Sahih al-Bukhari 6465).

so keep going. you’re doing so well, and you will definitely be rewarded for all your efforts. may Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ make it easy for you, Ameen ♡. 

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this month is also beautiful for connecting with the ummah and your friends and family. doing my ramadan challenge, tracking it every day and seeing other people do it too also makes me feel connected with everyone out there :) I also told my dad that I’m trying to complete the Qur’an this month, and he told me he’s going to race me. as he’s the most competitive person in the world, which then makes me the second, we’ve been healthily motivating each other to read lots of Qur’an pages each day and get it completed this month. a few days ago, he told me that he happily finished Surah Baqarah and then went to our shared google spreadsheet and saw that I had already finished it and was so shocked. I felt so amazing and the next day I happily finished surah Aal-e-`Imran, just to then see that he had already finished it! these connections and memories certainly make ramadan more fun, too. 

alhamdulillah that we’re so lucky to experience such a blessed month in all its joys and difficulties. it’s so beautiful that it shows us more about ourselves, gives us strength through the hardship we face, lets us connect more with those around us and walk on the path of righteousness and the path that leads right to Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ. may He accept all of our duas, fasts, alms, and efforts and reward us abundantly for them and bring us closer to His mercy, Ameen. 

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Grab a Blessing (and have it multiplied!):

• haasbi Allahu la illaha illah hua alaihi tawakaltu wa hua Rabbul ‘arshil ‘adheem
  (Allah is sufficient for me. There is none worthy of worship but Him. I have placed my trust in Him. He is the Lord of the Majestic throne)

• la ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimin
  (There is no God but You, Holy art Thou. I have indeed been of the wrongdoers)

• ya Allah, protect the people of Palestine and elevate their ranks and remove their pain and suffering. give them the power to stand on their feet again. O Allah! grant ease to the Ummah of Muhammad ﷺ. O Allah, fortify their hearts and calm them like you granted Yusuf (as)’s heart peace in the well. O Allah, Bestower of Mercy, bestow Your mercy on them.

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Attribute of the Month — Al-Khabeer (the All-Aware):

Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ is aware and sees all of your efforts— even the ones that you think are minuscule— and will reward you abundantly for it. I also reflected on this very recently when I was volunteering at my university’s iftar event. towards the end of the event, I went to go and pray ishaa and was going to go home afterwards. however, when I finished praying, I saw a notification on my phone in the volunteer's group chat from 16 minutes ago that they were gathering all the volunteers to take a big group photo, and I missed it. this slightly upset me because I felt that this photo would’ve validated all my efforts over the afternoon and evening. however, I reminded myself that Allah is the All-Aware and renewed my intentions: I didn’t help and serve others for a picture and for recognition through people seeing me in it, I did it to ultimately gain the pleasure of Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ by serving His creation. I reminded myself that at the end of the day, it’s not a picture that’s going to get me to jannah, it’s the deed itself, which only Allah can decide upon. it’s His pleasure, His validation and His recognition of your deeds that is most important and superior. and, thankfully, He is the All-Aware—the Most Aware—of all that you do. alhamdulillah. 

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jazakallah for reading and for letting me share little bits of my life with you. I always feel vulnerable, nervous and hesitant when sharing personal experiences and feelings about myself, but then I receive beautiful messages about how they’ve resonated with somebody out there, and it truly makes me so happy. thank you for being here. your presence is seen and so appreciated. wishing you eternal sunshine! please remember me in your dua’s.

— SabrGirl ♡