october - attribute of the month
on what He showed me through the trees
this is SabrGirl. a newsletter where, through my own life experiences and struggles, i hope to inspire, encourage, and also help people feel less alone in their life and islamic journey ♡
salam everyone! it’s my favourite month :) happy october. after asking Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ for one of His names that i really need to reflect on this month, as usual, i spun the attribute wheel and it landed on Al-Wadood, the Most-Loving.
‘wadood’ comes from the root waw-dal-dal (و د د) with the following connotations: to love, to desire, of one who should be loved and whose friendship is earned.
a few days ago, i was sitting in a coffee shop, trying to write my short story. i tried to focus, to let the ideas flow through me. however, every time i tried to write, nothing would come to my head. i knew the kind of story i wanted to write but it just wasn’t coming across through the words, they weren’t pouring out of me. i didn’t know whether the hot chocolate i was drinking was too sweet and giving me a sugar crash or whether the music from the cafe was too loud and distracting. looking back now, though, it was most likely the loneliness inside of me that was making me feel inadequate and alone.
being a child of divorce, having never seen a happy marriage before, having so-called ‘daddy issues’ and feeling so unloved and neglected as a child, it fills you up with a kind of void. this void varies from person from person. for me, it’s a huge void that is so desperate to be filled—a longing, an aching to be loved romantically, to be treated right. a deep, deep desire like a roaring fire that spreads so rapidly and consumes me.
in these desperate moments, i’ve always felt so lucky and blessed to have been given such wonderful friends to love and who love me so dearly and passionately. i’ve lived with two of them and have always been around the other during my past three years at university. however, this year, my friends are no longer here. almost all of us graduated during summer. and my remaining best friend who i still live with is currently on a medical placement in a different city for the next month, training to be a doctor. i’ve also started a new course/degree, so i don’t know anybody in my class anymore. everyone’s new.
it’s strange. i’ve been wanting to come back to university all summer. and, don’t get me wrong, i would rather have this loneliness than be back there and feel all the pain i felt during the summer holiday. but still, i didn’t realise how isolating it would feel to be away from my best friends. to actually be alone for real. it only deepens the void and fuels my desire within.
so, while i was in this coffee shop, i gave up trying to write something. i sat back in my chair and looked around. all of a sudden, i randomly felt the urge to go on a walk to try and find Allah instead. i had a feeling within that i would find Him in the park. so i followed my intuition, packed my bags and left.
on the way, autumn leaves crunching beneath me, i ranted to Him and explained my feelings:
i don’t know why i feel this way. i think there’s something wrong with me.
why can’t i just feel enough on my own? why can’t i just say HasbiAllah and actually mean it and not feel like i need to be loved by a man so badly? i know it’s because of my childhood, i know it’s because of the tricky relationship i had with abu growing up. and we want what we don’t have or haven’t seen before. it’s so much easier in theory than in practice. i’m so grateful for the love that i have from the people in my life. so then why do i feel so lonely? and why do i feel so far away from You? where are you?
i just want this void to be filled by You. but i don’t even feel good enough to be your Friend either. there’s been all these prophets and saints who have proven their worth and have set the bar high and here i am, a sinner.
everything looked golden at the park—the ground, the trees, the sunlight reflecting off of the orange and brown leaves which turned the air into slightly honey-like colour. i stopped to take a look at the ducks swimming and saw a tree next to me that had leaves that were the richest shade of red. i had never seen anything like it before. i stared at these leaves for a long time as some floated above my head before falling to the ground. at this, a thought came into my head.
i could force the leaf off the tree myself. or i can wait until Allah commands the leaf to fall when He wants it to.
No leaf ever falls but that He knows about it (6:60).
i continued walking, the ground still wet from the rain that had poured only an hour before. suddenly, i felt the strangest desire to find a tree that could be mine. i looked around the park, my eyes scanning the different trees, and i even moved off of the path and into the forest to find a tree that i liked. after praying i don’t get kidnapped, i went further into the woods, going slightly uphill. eventually, i came across a tree that was so tall and pretty.
i’ve always loved the fact that trees breathe as well—that they breathe in carbon dioxide and breathe out oxygen, while we do the opposite. scientific studies show that touching nature—the grass, trees, soil—with your hands or bare feet can immediately ground and relax you. so, putting my hand to the tree bark, i started breathing deeply, knowing that we were exchanging air. i immediately felt calmer and thought maybe this could be my special tree.
however, after a few minutes, i looked up and saw a huge spider quite high up, building its home. i got a bit afraid but thought, since it’s so high up, i could still stay here for a while longer. yet, after another few minutes, again i looked up and jumped backwards as i saw the spider was almost at my head. i left the tree walked fast through the forest for my life. the spider was building his home in that tree before i even got there. it was never mine to begin with.
i looked around to find another tree that could be mine. and i found one that looked different and pretty. it was tall, with interesting and unique bark. so i put my hand to it and tried to breathe in. but it was wet and stained my fingers. i looked at my hands in disgust and wiped them on my jacket. and yet, still i tried to put my hand on the tree again, hesitating slightly. i thought, maybe i could get comfortable with the wet feeling. but then removed my hand again.
i did this a few times, hesitating more and more, knowing inside that the tree wasn’t for me each time i put my hand there and tried to breathe with it. it kept putting whatever it was coming off of the tree—i think it was most likely the bark itself—on my fingers. but i wanted it to be my tree. maybe because it looked pretty and nice. but not to the touch. maybe if it was dry, it could’ve been my tree. but it wasn’t dry. and who knows how long it takes trees to dry? i very quickly moved away, feeling such discomfort. i can’t force a tree to be mine.
eventually, i stopped looking around for trees and gave up. i don’t even know why i felt the desire to find a special tree in the first place. i went back down to the path, trying not to get my trainers any more muddy, as the ground was still moist from the rain. i decided to just take a walk through the park like a normal person.
and, as the cliche goes, it was when i stopped searching for a tree that i ended up seeing a beautiful, large one—not in the forest, but close to the path in a field all alone. it was so huge and had tall branches with leaves that had not yet turned brown. in awe, i walked off of the pathway again towards the tree. and when i walked around it, my eyes immediately widened and i gasped. on the other side of the tree was painted ‘LOVE’ in pink, with a heart underneath. pink! love! as if something could not scream sabrgirl more!
i found my tree. my love tree. i found it when i was no longer looking for one, no longer forcing any tree to be mine for a while longer when it was never mine to begin with or when it was wet and causing me discomfort. i put my hand to my love tree and just breathed in and out for ages, crying as i realised that Allah was teaching me a lesson and reminding me of my past experiences—terrifyingly, in order—and giving me hope that i will, one day, finally get this love tree manifested in reality. i didn’t even care that people from the path who were on their walks were looking at me, probably thinking who is this weirdo crying with her palm to the tree and talking to the sky?
when i moved away from my love tree and back onto the path, beautiful brown and orange leaves suddenly started flying down from the sky like rain. a huge gust of wind was blowing them from all corners, from different trees around me, into my face. i smiled as i waved my hands in the air. it was truly magic.
and it was then that i realised: when the time is right, and when the time is His, Al-Wadood will bestow His love and favours on you like magic.
i can force things if i want. i can rip off the leaves from their branches myself. i can force a tree to be mine. or i can wait and soak in Al-Wadood’s love in the meantime and firmly believe that the Most Loving loves me and will grant me a pure love.
i was telling Allah on the way that i have such a void that is longing to be filled and as soon as i entered the park, He placed the desire in me to find a tree. and i followed it and i actually went searching for one. even going through mud with leaves sticking to the bottom of my shoes to find it. looking back now, i realise that the desire and the tree were symbolic of my desire to have romance, to be with mr right, to be happily married. but Allah told me that i don’t need to go acting on this desire. He told me to stop forcing it. to let go and let God. to just walk the path of life—and i will naturally find it on the way.
Allah works in mysterious ways. i was even crying this morning wondering where Allah even is, why i don’t feel close to Him right now. and yet through writing this, i realise He’s right here, still here, and guiding me in such interesting ways—by quite literally putting me in a kind of trance and making me go on a mission that actually matches my real life experiences, so that i can learn something by the end of it. i didn’t even realise what was going on at all at the time until i found the love tree. when i think back to my time at the park that day, it doesn’t even feel real, it feels like a memory from a dream. thankfully i took a picture of the love tree, otherwise i think i would’ve gone insane wondering if i made it all up in my head. but, to me, He showed me my past but also what the future holds, if i make a change and just be patient, trust His plan and live my life.
the way Allah gave me this advice is incredible. subhanallah. and the desire to find Him in the park certainly wasn’t there by accident. so He does love me. so He is here. so he truly is Al-Wadood :)
prompts/reflections:
“Allah loves those who turn to Him” (2:223) / “Surely, Allah loves those who put their trust in Him” (3:160) - Surely, Allah loves not the proud and the boastful (4:37) / Surely, Allah loves not any one who is perfidious or ungrateful (22:39). do these Qur’an verses show you anything that you should start or stop doing?
what makes you feel closest to Allah and strengthens your relationship with Him? how can you implement more of that into your life?
how does Al-Wadood show up in your life? take a minute to reflect on the favours He’s bestowed on you.
grab a blessing:
la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah
(there is no power or strength except with Allah)
Allahumma innī as’aluka ḥubbaka wa ḥubba man yuḥibbuka wal-‘amalalladhī yuballighunī ḥubbak
(O Allah, I ask You for Your love and the love of those who love You and love of the action which will make me reach Your love)
jazakallah for reading :) i know i say and feel like this about every post i publish but i am actually terrified about this one. i know i’m going to look like a crazy nature psycho-lady. but i wanted to share this story with you all. i hope you liked it :)
i was talking to my coach and she was telling me that the more i tell myself ‘there’s something wrong with me, i’m so needy and desperate,’ the more needy i become, the more the void widens and the more disconnected i feel with Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ, as it creates a lot of shame and becomes an identity. but instead, simply saying, ‘i’m a human being with needs and i want to be loved. how can i meet those needs right now?’ moves it from something to feel ashamed and insecure about to something validating and impactful. maybe that will resonate with you too.
please remember me in your prayers. may Allah make you all feel so loved by Him. you truly are loved, more than you know.
sending lots of love,
— SabrGirl ♡.
This was such a cute and enlightening read اللّهُـمَّ بارِكْ Your attribute of the month posts are the ones I look forward to so much now الحمدلله 🫶🏼
Favorite quote in all this: “i could force the leaf off the tree myself. or i can wait until Allah commands the leaf to fall when He wants it to.”
I love how you write about your experiences, how you write about how you learn or get to a specific learning point after making mistakes in belief, in mindset—although our life experiences may differ, this sentiment of going back to find Allah despite tumbling over our faults over and over again is so relatable. The name of Al-Wadud in this circumstance is so brilliantly well placed سبحان الله
Life gets super messy, and I pray Allah continues to guide you on the straight path, brings barakat to all your affairs, and supplies you with endless goodness امين 🤲 the season of fall is indeed such a wondrous and beautiful time of the year to soak in Allah’s continuous, beautiful creation ☺️ 🍂
You know, just like how the fictional superheroes have their 'magic phrase' that unleashes their superpower, I believe that saying 'where is Allah right now?' is the magic phrase to unleash His support within ourselves and really feel His presence within you. At least this is how I think it to be😅
And yes, we absolutely need to stop being such control freaks of our lives. If I cannot even control whether or not my next breath is a guarantee, how can I assume that I have my entire future guaranteed according to how I've planned it?