november - attribute of the month

on childhood trauma & chronic illness

*trigger warning: this post touches on mental illness (depression, PTSD, anxiety) and trauma

salam everyone!

i can’t believe i’m writing november’s attribute post. this is crazy. i remember sitting in the library in january when the idea just randomly came to me and i sent out a brief email about january’s attribute, and officially started these posts the month after. how has it almost been a year?

anyway, as usual, i spun the attribute wheel after asking Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ to give me a name that i really need to reflect on and remember this month. it landed on Al-Mu’id, the Restorer, the Renewer.

‘mu’id’ comes from the root ain-waw-daal (ع و د), which has these connotations: to restore, to return to something, to repeat, to reproduce.

when i saw what the wheel had landed on, i searched online to see what has been written on this attribute already, as i was unfamiliar with it. many articles used this attribute to reflect on how Allah is the one who will restore us back to life on the day of judgement and we’re all going to return to Him when we die. seeing this, i started panicking and immediately called one of my best friends, spiralling:

i’m so scared, i just spun the attribute wheel for this month and it landed on Al-Muid - The Restorer, i think someone’s going to die this month i’m so scared i hope mama will be okay.

because, alhamdulilah, the attributes have always been so eerily accurate for me every month, my head started going to all these different places and was imagining myself having to write a piece on death this month—God forbid. 

but then i started to think about it and i realised what Allah was restoring in my life.

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october was dysautonomia awareness month (alongside black history month in the UK) - and the 25th was the awareness day for my specific chronic illness. ‘dysautonomia’ means that there’s a problem with your nervous system—the system which controls breathing, heartbeat, body temperature, blood pressure and the like.

while i’ve touched on my chronic illness before, particularly during ramadan and the challenges i have with fasting, i’ve never dived deeper into it.

i always thought that i was born with my illness because i remember having a couple of episodes growing up. however, in the middle of this year—on eid, actually, i had an appointment with my doctor where i was able to understand my illness better.

and, i recently found out that i actually developed my illness as a result of trauma.

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i remember having anxiety as early as eight years old. my childhood was rough. arguments, violence, betrayal, divorce, more arguments, being on the move between households, new marriages, new people, new children. having to mature quickly, becoming the responsible one, being the messenger between parents, daddy issues, not seeing daddy, hard relationship with him, resentments, mama being too busy, mama struggling with becoming the provider overnight, sudden bad financial issues, almost becoming homeless, arguments, arguments, arguments — there were too many traumatic moments and stories within each one of these. i’m getting breathless just typing all of this. i never felt safe. i hardly felt loved.

i remember year after year the anxiety would just get worse. i hate to talk about this because i’m always afraid of offending people who genuinely have been diagnosed and know the terrible experience of it—especially as i was too young to know anything, but there’s one phase of my life, when i was twelve, where i genuinely think i had symptoms of depression. that time of my life is a complete blur. i don’t remember anything, except that i was incredibly miserable. i’m trying to remember something as i write this but i just can’t—which is crazy to me because i, alhamdulillah, have been gifted with an incredible memory and even remember things from when i was a toddler. but somehow, from that time of my life, i can only remember that i couldn’t find the joy in anything. looking back, i probably didn’t even want to be here but i was too miserable that i didn’t even think of death. i just existed, woke up each day, in misery. and it didn’t help that i was being called ‘dull’ all the time. neither did the accusations ‘why is she dull? you’re making her dull!’ between each other. it only perpetuated it more.

aside from that, i always used to worry and be in lots of stress. the pressure that was put onto me at such a young age was so heavy. i was being prepared to potentially speak in court, i had to write police reports, when i was only… oh! i was in year eight so i must have been twelve! i guess i do remember. it’s just buried in the depths of my mind, not wanting to come out. but that was terribly stressful for me because i was doing what one parent was saying but i didn’t want to offend the other. i was walking on egg shells between the two of them. having to choose sides. “she’s lying”. “what? he’s lying”. who’s telling the truth? what do i do? she wants me to do this. he won’t like it. okay now he’s angry at me. he’s not talking to me. he hates me. okay next time i’ll do what he says, i’ll make it up to him. mama’s not happy with me. she’s never gonna forgive me. what do i do? i can’t breathe. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. i can’t. it’s too much. let’s just believe them both: mama’s a liar. and abu doesn’t love me otherwise he wouldn’t do all this stuff. yes. my parents are both just bad. wait what?

and people-pleasing was born.

it was when i had turned thirteen that my anxiety had started to become incredibly physical. that was the time i thought it just couldn’t possibly get worse, and my dad remarried. two new people entering my life—my step mum and step sister—and then, very quickly, babies coming into the picture too. feelings of replacement. inadequacy. not good enough. and i’ve already talked about the way my step mother has treated me. it all happened too fast. and i had no idea it was happening until the last moment. it was too much, too much fear, too many life changes, too many traumatic experiences — i was always so scared. i was miserable. the fear was so physical. the anxiety attacks started. the fight or flight started. oh, dear readers. this is so difficult to write, i’m feeling chest pain. need to take a moment. it’s all coming up.

when i was fourteen, that’s when i started having terrible problems with my health. i would have episodes of intense heart pain, breathlessness and fainting, and my mum would be calling the ambulance monthly. i would be admitted to the hospital, spend so much time there. they would initially say it’s just anxiety. you’re just having chest pains because you’re going through puberty. then i would have terrible episodes again and would be going back to the doctors like, i assure you, this is not just anxiety or puberty—there is something wrong with me. please. then when the episodes got worse, they took me more seriously. i lost so much blood with the amount of blood tests i had to do. endless checkups with the doctor’s trying to figure out what was wrong with me for years. i even had heart surgery. it wasn’t until three years later when they realised it wasn’t a heart problem but a nervous system issue.

i never put two and two together and always thought that i was born with it and it just got worse over the years. but finding out it came from trauma and looking back at my years—it all makes sense now. because, what actually is the science behind anxiety?

when you’re in a state of anxiety, your brain floods the nervous system with chemicals and hormones, such as adrenaline, which makes you prepared to either fight or flight.¹ this is a natural survival mechanism that has always protected us. back in the caveman era for example, this protected us from lions. in today’s world, an example is almost getting hit by a car—you flinch, jump, step back. subhanallah, it’s an incredible protection in times of danger. but when you’re in a constant state of anxiety, it can completely overload your nervous system. and i was in a constant state of fight or flight for years. without relief. from when i was eight years old with it only getting worse.

so basically, my nervous system exploded. and my chronic illness was born.

*i don’t think i’m going to come back and edit this section of the post you’ve just read - it was a lot for me to re-live through writing. whew, this chest is feeling tight. so i apologise if there were any errors in it. thank you for reading my story thus far too.

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alhamdulillah, i no longer suffer from severe anxiety disorder. i’ve been able to heal it a lot and, though i still sometimes feel anxious, it’s hardly ever as bad as it has been in the past. thank God. (see more on how i’ve dealt with this here).

things are also so much better now with my family, which i talked about in my graduation post too. may Allah forgive and bless my parents who are also living for the first time, were parents for the first time and were going through something no one wants to happen to their marriage.

yet… my chronic illness has remained throughout the years and is something i have to battle with daily.

over summer, i was researching a lot about trauma. studies have found that trauma is stored in the body — particularly in the shoulders and hips/psoas area. even if you’re not actively thinking about a traumatic experience, your body can still be remembering it, which manifests through physical symptoms. it can be through chronic illness or it can even be daily symptoms like headaches, gut issues, sleep issues, shoulder/neck pain, jaw clenching/grinding.

Allah is truly my Guide because i came across trauma-informed, somatic yoga therapy, which focuses on doing specific exercises that help release emotions and stress stored deep within the body. when i first looked into this and saw different youtube videos, i thought to myself, ‘trauma in stored in the hips, yeah right. well, let’s try it out anyway because i love yoga’.

i cried a little the first time i did it. later that night, i started feeling really sad. but i didn’t think much of it and didn’t realise that it was because of the exercises that i was feeling upset. still, i began doing these hip-opening yoga stretches every single day. and my sadness throughout summer would just increase and increase. eventually, random things that i had forgotten about that i experienced in the past started coming to my mind. not just childhood trauma but other traumatic and stressful situations that i experienced in my teenage life too. i was so confused as to why i started thinking about this stuff out of nowhere, and it was honestly making me miserable. at some point, it finally clicked that it’s because of the trauma-informed yoga. it was working but not in the ways i expected. alhamdulillah.

eventually, after doing these consistently for about two or three months, traumatic experiences that i haven’t really talked to anyone about, things i experienced as a teenager that i’ve deliberately buried deep within and have ignored, started to come to the forefront of my mind. that’s when it got too much. i had taken a break from therapy over summer but from september, i started having random emotional breakdowns.

i remember cooking in the kitchen two months ago, just chopping up some vegetables, and then the traumatic memories came to my mind. suddenly, out of nowhere, i had an emotional meltdown. i never truly knew what a breakdown/meltdown meant until that day. i sometimes would jokingly say ‘i had a breakdown’ when i would cry a lot—but that? that was truly a breakdown. i sobbed and sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably out of nowhere, the memories were flooding to my head and it was incredibly random and incredibly painful. i couldn’t stop and was just walking around the kitchen crying for ages. it was so confusing because usually i would cry or have an emotional reaction if i get triggered or something triggers the memory i’ve suppressed. but i was literally just chopping up some vegetables and started sobbing badly out of nowhere, feeling so much pain.

that’s when i knew i needed help. i texted my therapist again and had a few sessions with her, unpacking everything. it was really hard but it’s been nice to actually talk to someone about it and get rid of the feelings that come with it. i feel much better now. alhamdulillah.

texting one of my best friends. friendship is also incredibly healing so grateful to have support from them ♡

my friend is too funny. how is ‘i gotta do this yoga’ the reaction to ‘i had a breakdown’. why would you want a breakdown???

knowing that the trauma-informed yoga actually works, i decided to still continue the youtube ones but also get a professional somatic yoga coach. i even emailed her before thinking about buying one of her courses:

Hi I get your youtube shorts on my youtube homepage all the time. I have a question - i've been doing trauma informed hip opening stretches for the past 2 months now. Maybe it's just that life is hard in general... but i've been feeling so much sadder. When the stress and trauma releases through the exercises, is it meant to make me feel so sad?

this was another way Allah guided me because she replied saying:

Hi! Thank you so much for reaching out!

Yes, it can be normal to feel sad when doing trauma-informed hip opening stretches or similar exercises. You may be releasing years or even decades of unprocessed emotions that have been stored in your body. It's also possible outside stressors can impact this.

You can consider the structure of one of our courses if you like. It's important to be gentle with yourself and if you need support for what is coming up for you, we suggest working with a therapist or mental health counselor.

and i decided to try one of her courses on the shoulders and neck. i know that this one will take time—i think this is where a lot of my trauma actually is stored. just last week, i was doing some of the exercises and out of nowhere, i started crying. i was so confused because i wasn’t even feeling sad. but she told me in advance that it could happen and, if it does, i should stop doing the exercises and prioritise letting the emotions release. so that’s what i did. i laid on the floor and sobbed. and the rest of that day, i was feeling so emotional. the next day, i was so angry. i was thinking about so many things that make me so mad, i was having arguments with about ten different people in my head. and i actually had a real argument with one of my best friends too.

so when i got this attribute, Al-Mu’id, the Restorer, and started reflecting on my life, i realised that i haven’t actually had a bad migraine in… months. alhamdulillah, i haven’t even had any bedridden days in months either. usually, winter is the worst and, it is november right now so i can’t speak too soon, but this time last year i was getting terrible headaches every single day. my health was a complete disaster. it was really hard. i was getting bedridden a lot—way more than usual.

i still do have headaches, especially now as it’s getting colder, and also when i still don’t sleep well or eat enough food/drink enough water. but i have noticed a significant difference these past few months. maybe it’s also being away from home, which i’ve already mentioned is a stressful environment that keeps me on edge—i’ll just have to see and give an update when i go back home for the holidays Insha’Allah. but subhanallah, i’m finally realising what Al-Mu’id is restoring.

“And when I am ill, it is He Who restores me to health” (26:81)

i’m getting stronger! my health is getting better! subhanallah. i don’t know if this is permanent. i pray that it is. but right now, i am feeling such a shift.

i’ve been researching what it’s like when trauma releases from the body and a trusted article says:

• Bursts of anger or irritability

• Unexpected crying or sadness

• Feelings of relief or unexplained happiness

• Unexplained aches and pains in the body

• Altered sleep patterns, such as insomnia or sleeping more than usual

• Periods of hyperactivity or restlessness

and i’ve been having so many of these. my back hurts like crazy. lately, i’ve been sleeping for much longer than usual. and on some days, i’ve also not been wanting to go to sleep and have been restless. it’s been really hard with all these emotions that have been coming up to the surface but being able to feel them deeply, i can finally let them go. they’re no longer staying buried deep inside my body, they are pouring out, i’m feeling them—and it’s not always nice… actually, it’s not nice at all—but they are releasing. when they do come up, i journal about them, i talk to my coach, i write letters to people who have hurt me and then rip it up and throw it in the bin. i process them.

and, subhanallah, it’s been helping my illness heal. Al Mu’id, the Restorer is restoring my health. i never thought i’d see the day. my favourite shift is that i’ve even been able to wake up for fajr more often—and those of you who have been here for a while know how much i struggle with that, as when i don’t get enough sleep, i get bad migraines and i’ve even had bedridden days after waking up for tahajjud or fajr. but lately, i’ve been able to wake up a lot more without it impacting my health! i still sometimes feel weak throughout the day when i do, but alhamdulillah, i haven’t had any bedridden-closedblinds-wearingsunglasses-feelinguseless days!

i doubt i’ll be able to fast—when i don’t eat, i still have my symptoms. but, for the first time in my life, there’s a glimmer of hope for me. for this illness without a cure to be cured. Insha’Allah.

i’m not quite there yet. there’s still a lot of trauma and stress that i need to release—last december i also started clenching my jaw in the night and couldn’t sleep because of a stressful situation where i was kept in the dark about something, and for months before and after, i was in the unknown, not knowing what was happening, what was going to happen and didn’t know what i should do. spiralling and feeling so much emotion, it led to me clenching my jaw really hard all the time. i ended up writing a really long letter in december to try and let everything go, as i knew just how physically the strong emotions were manifesting. and it helped me temporarily but the stress still remained in my jaw. it didn’t help that months after, i was still in the same situation and just wanted to talk about everything to either know what was going on or at least have some closure, and just basically know what i should do. to which i kept essentially being told ‘not yet’.

for this entire year now, when i wake up, my jaw is clenched and was clenched overnight for hours from the stress of it all. i’ve even gone to the dentist to get my teeth checked as i eventually started to get a lot of jaw pain, especially when i was eating. and they, too, told me that it was stress. but it just hasn’t gone away, even though i don’t feel stressed about the situation at all anymore and gave myself closure in the end. my body still remembers it.

however, it’s next on my list. from this experience i’ve had these past few months, i know that i can release the stress and stored emotions in my jaw too. i know that Al-Mu’id is on my side and really helping me heal. i’ve been praying a lot for my jaw and my health—especially on days where it’s gotten really bad.

but now i know what name to call on when praying for relief :)

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prompts/reflections:

• Allah also restores faith in the heart. have you been feeling like your imaan is low? can you call on Allah with His name, Al Mu’id, to pray for a spiritual restoration?

• think about the ways Al-Mu’id is actively restoring things in you/your life right now. take a moment to reflect and show gratitude.

• you grow closer to someone when you get to know them. did you know that Allah was Al-Mu’id, the Restorer, the Renewer? if no (and even if yes!), take a moment to ask yourself how your personal relationship with Allah can grow stronger now that you’ve gotten to know him more. will you call on Him with this beautiful name more often?

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grab a blessing:

• la hawla wa la quwwata illa Billah
  (there is no power or strength except with Allah)

• fill in the blanks! ya Mu’id, __________________

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jazakallah for reading! i’ve been wanting to write this for a while but i’ve been so overwhelmed with so many different things going on in my life right now that i just didn’t have the time. i’m still learning how to balance all the new responsibilities, projects, studying and writing alongside my hobbies.

i’m kind of nervous about sending this one out, especially the whole part about some of my childhood trauma. that wasn’t even the depths of it at all, it was just the tip of the iceberg—but to go through my years like that and think back was overwhelming. i’m never going to read that section back. but honestly, i’ve learnt that feeling triggered just shows you what still needs healing. i feel like i give you guys more and more of myself with each post, which i feel comfortable to do the more i open up, but it gets super scary sometimes. so thank you for always treating my stories with so much care :’)

healing and self care really isn’t the cute face mask, lighting a candle and watching a movie. it’s brutal. it’s rough. and it takes years. i’ve been on this healing journey for two and a half years now. but the pay off is worth it. it gets worse before it gets better.

i hope maybe this can inspire you to be brave with yourself and heal the parts of yourself that need your special love and attention. and always remember that it’s Allah Who allows the healing to take place, Who guides you towards certain resources and help. so always start with Him and keep Him in the forefront of your mind.

“And seek help with patience and Prayer; and this indeed is hard except for the humble in spirit” (2:46)

sending love, as always,

— SabrGirl ♡.

1. ‘Effects of Anxiety on the Body’, Healthline, '<https://www.healthline.com/health/anxiety/effects-on-body>