I JUST WANT A MAN TO LOVE ME ROMANTICALLY
I'M TIRED OF BEING PATIENT
sitting here in my bed. pink pyjamas. pink candles lit. pink pillows, pink duvet. pink blanket. pink water bottle. just finished watching barbie as the princess and the pauper. bow in my hair. pearl necklace, gold watch. homemade pizzas half eaten. it was date night tonight.
my solo date nights that i do once a month.
this one, of course, had to fall on valentine’s day. yes, i know. it’s not even islamic. what can i do? i’m a girl who’s never lived in a household with romantic love before—a child of divorce, even—living in the west as a muslim where valentine’s day is celebrated everywhere i turn. the aisles when i go for my grocery shop are decorated with red and pink and as soon as i enter, i see bouquets of roses. i went into work at the museum today for an afternoon shift and welcomed many couples. it’s like dangling a sweet in front of a kid. or worse—dangling a sweet in front of someone who has a sugar addiction and is trying to stop. i had to fill in the void somehow.
so here i am. the movie is watched. i’m sitting here pretty. my gift i bought for myself is opened.
my date nights usually work and fill in the void. it’s usually enough. not today though. today, something is different. i’m not sure what it is. maybe it’s knowing that the world around me is having the one thing i’ve always wanted. that all my non-muslim best friends are with their boyfriends (though of course, i’m happy for them and wish them nothing but greater and greater happiness). so i sit here, having done all this for myself as the world tells me to do time and time again.
though, i did do it for myself. it was fun. i loved watching the movie and singing along. i look and feel beautiful.
so what is this feeling in my stomach that’s weighing me down?
i’m tired of writing about this. i’m tired of feeling this same feeling. i want something else to feel. do i know any other feeling greater than longing? i’m tired of the aching, screaming feeling within to just be chosen, to just be wanted, to just be kept, to just have my feelings reciprocated, to just have someone wake up in the morning and think to themselves ‘i want her’ confidently, profusely, passionately, determinedly, irrevocably, undoubtedly. undoubtedly! no second guessing. no backing out or disappearing. no wanting me only when i’m gone after treating me poorly. no lusting or wanting me for any other reason besides wanting who i actually am.
how many more solo date nights and weekly spa nights do i have to have to finally be free of this feeling? i’ve gone to therapy i’ve had coaching i’ve journaled every night i’ve changed my subconscious mind i no longer am so anxiously attached i no longer believe i need it to survive i believe i’m enough now Allah is also enough for me i know now that i am so loved and have so much love in my life—God, i’ve even healed the relationship with my dad i don’t even have daddy issues anymore i don’t even seek his validation anymore we actually get along really nicely now and i’m no longer afraid of him which is crazy because having daddy issues is the whole reason why i even have this void to begin with but my God I JUST WANT A MAN TO LOVE ME ROMANTICALLY AND TREAT ME THE WAY I DESERVE AND CHOOSE ME AND WANT ME WITHOUT TURNING BACK OR QUESTIONING ANYTHING AND LOVE ME THE WAY I LOVE SO PASSIONATELY—OR EVEN MORE IF THAT EVEN EXISTS—AND KNOW EVERY DETAIL ABOUT ME THE WAY I CHERISH AND TREASURE EVERY MINUTE LITTLE DETAIL ABOUT THEM THAT NEVER EVER LEAVES MY MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE PROOF THAT HAPPY MARRIAGES EXIST THROUGH BEING IN ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i’m tired of being patient. i don’t want to be SabrGirl anymore. it’s just one thing. i just want this one thing. they say that if you’re desperate for something, it runs away from you. i have pretended to not be desperate. i have tried my best to put on the front. i’ve done everything i possibly can.
people always say i’m so wise and mature for my age. i have read so many books on detaching and healing. i have watched so many self help videos. i have done so much shadow work. i have gone into memories i never wanted to return to and have unpacked and worked through them. i have spoken about so much in therapy. i have learnt how to forgive people who have hurt me to let the baggage go. i have been in group coaching sessions and have been the youngest one there. i have healed my trauma so much so that my chronic illness has even gotten better. i have learnt about my toxic behaviours and ways i’ve dealt with hardship in the past and have put an end to it. i don’t even suffer from generalised anxiety disorder anymore that i had for a decade. of course i’m mature for my damn age, i’ve done everything i possibly can to calm the fire within.
they say the love you give out into the world will always find its way back to you. and i see the way it is coming back to me but my God can it just be from a man who will actually treat me well? they say that if you notice patterns and are continuously attracting the same kind of man into your life which you don’t like, it’s probably coming from something within you. so i have gone back and looked within and i have taken out baggage after baggage after baggage. and i wake up happy! i’m so content. my life is literally amazing. i’ve done everything i can to try and fix myself and then realised that there was nothing to even fix because i was never broken to begin with. i’ve learnt that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. i even strengthened my faith and became a better muslim. and in this entire process, i found God.
yet the fire is still burning inside.
but hey, at least now i’ve healed all of this and that and that and this but oh my goodness can i just have someone look at me in that way and actually, passionately, want me for the rest of their life? can i have a man who will do everything they can to make sure that they don’t hurt me and actually let me in and talk to me, see me as his companion, confidant and best friend and truly love me? to love me and not take it back later? to look at me and only look at me? i mean, how much more healing do i have to do? i’ve done work i should’ve been doing at, i don’t know, twenty-six. i should be going to therapy at thirty for mistakes i made at twenty-one and here i am at twenty-one feeling more lonely because i’ve mentally surpassed most of my peers due to all of this healing that i now struggle to find like-minded people in my age range.
and still the fire is raging within.
i’ve tried being patient. i pray and i trust in Allah and i know He’s going to satisfy me and i have tried to replace my longing with Him. i wake up for tahajjud once a week now and it gives me joy to be near Him. i write lists every night of ways Allah loved me today and it gives me so much joy that i physically feel loved by Him in random bursts throughout the day. i feel so detached that i don’t even care too much about worldly things anymore, i’ll happily do things just to feel Allah’s nearness.
everything is fine. except the longing to be cherished and loved and appreciated and wanted romantically. to just have a soft, easy, calm and peaceful love. to just… have my feelings reciprocated.
why do i still feel this way? why is the fire still growing inside? why is it not enough? why is it not enough? why is it not enough?
i try not to make everything i write about this insufferable longing. but it’s days like today where i just can’t take it anymore. i just can’t take it anymore.
so i sit here. in my bed. pink pyjamas. pink pillows, pink duvet. mascara dripping down my face from the tears. about to take my jewellery off and blow out the candles. it’s late but i think i’ll take a shower. so i’ll go into the bathroom, look at my puffy face with my red eyes and ruined makeup and smile because i’m so blessed and pretty and lucky to have all that i have in life. because even in the hardship i face and intense hardship i have faced growing up, life really is great.
i just wish i had a man who cherishes me to share it with.
attribute of the month - Al-Qawiyy, the Strong:
i definitely see why Al-Qawiyy was the attribute of the month now. the attributes always are accurate for me, subhanallah. in my reflection post, one of the prompts was: how can you actively seek help from Allah by remembering His name, Al-Qawiyy?
right now, with the way i’m feeling, it'll be to invoke Him with this name during my prayers and ask Him to give me the strength to persevere and keep going.
you can read the reflection post here:
grab a blessing:
la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah
(there is no strength or power except with Allah)
jazakallah for reading. i’m terrified of being so outwardly vulnerable and desperate. i hope to one day look back at this in a few years and laugh. but for now, it’s a new day tomorrow. i’ll continue to wait.
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sending so much love,
— SabrGirl ♡.
I hear you. And you’re absolutely right. Because while longing is natural, it’s also important that it doesn’t hold you hostage—that the thought of not having a man love you doesn’t feel like an unbearable fate. Because love, no matter how beautiful was never meant to be the thing that makes or unmakes you.
You have done so much work, not just in healing but in knowing yourself, in learning how to live fully, in strengthening your faith. And that faith, intimate relationship you’ve built with Allah—that is your anchor. That is what keeps you steady when the longing gets heavy. Because He hears you. He sees you. He knows what your heart aches for even before you put it into words. And He has never once forgotten you.
I know there are moments when it feels like why hasn’t this one thing happened yet? But Allah’s delays are never without purpose. Not a single tear, not a single whispered du’a goes unnoticed. You are not being overlooked. You are being prepared. You are being protected. You are being positioned for something that won’t just fill the void but will honor every part of who you are.And until that comes, you have to trust that you are already whole. That your life is not waiting to begin when love arrives—it is already rich and full and yours. A man’s love, when it comes, will be a gift. A blessing. But not the thing that saves you—because you were never lost to begin with.
So keep praying. Keep living. Keep trusting. Not with anxiety, not with fear, but with the quiet, steady belief that what is written for you will never miss you. And when it comes, it will not be something you have to beg for. It will not be something that leaves you questioning. It will be clear It will be kind It will be yours.
Assalam alaikum! Seeing the topic of this post made me almost trip as I ran over to read this. I totally understand how you’re feeling. Emphasis on the “sugar/ sweet dangling in front of you” bit you can’t have it.
Sis, I feel every energy exerted into this writing. Your frustration and your impatient. This is only natural as we are humans and we do get these feeling of wanting to be loved, acknowledged and seen, and especially for you who wants it so badly (and I pray to Allah that you do. Soon).
I do though, have to beg you to feel everything you’re feeling, let it out and be hopeful that your time is coming and when it does, Allah will introduce you to the most amazing person with the most beautiful soul who will love you so dearly. I also advise you to redirect all your frustration and turn them into du’a.
This is literally the perfect to turn to Allah and cry out to Him. Cry if you must! Your desperation and sincerity will surely not go unnoticed by Al-Sami’ (The All Hearing).
He sees you, He knows how you feel and this is your test. I pray Allah blesses single people with the right spouses and to live a life filled with love, sincerity, laughter and everything good!
May Allah make it easy for you. DO NOT GIVE UP ON BEING SABRGIRL! There is only you!