an ongoing battle: anxiety vs tawakkul

trying to be okay

this is SabrGirl. a newsletter where, through my own life experiences and struggles, i hope to inspire, encourage, and also help people feel less alone in their life and islamic journey ♡

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‘you don’t know what you have until it’s gone’ is one thing.

there’s also ‘you didn’t know what was gone until you have it’.

that’s how i felt when i was in the shower two weeks ago after days, months, a year—more than a year—of being anxiety-free, and feeling like i was about to have an anxiety attack. i was unable to breathe, panicking the more i tried to gasp for air, feeling chills all over—a nightmare long forgotten and introducing itself to me again as a lost, unwanted acquaintance. my tears mixed with the water pouring down my face from the shower-head as i felt suffocated in every way.

i’m not sure what hurt more. the thing i was feeling anxious about or the fact that i’m feeling anxious again. i thought i was better. i thought i was cured. the many years of suffering from severe anxiety finally went away last year and i thought it was gone forever. i thought i’d never feel this way again. i thought i was past that. but here i am, feeling physically anxious again. a relapse into the old nightmares that tormented me throughout my entire pre-teen and teenage life.

living away at university has been my escape for the past three years. it’s allowed me to move away from an environment that i find incredibly hard, toxic and, at times, insufferable, to live in. a place where i feel unstable, unable to breathe, suffocated. neglected. the distance and everything that has come with it—including a greater nearness to Allah—has been a great factor in healing my anxiety disorder. during school holidays, it used to be fine (somewhat), knowing i was going to leave soon and everything that happens at home would only have to be endured for a little while longer. yet, being back home for my (final) summer holiday, i’ve found myself feeling more anxious about the future, knowing that i only have a year of escapism left and will permanently move back soon.

my head desperately falls to sujood, begging Allah faster than my tears falling out of my eyes for another escape, to give me a way out like He did for me through university. for my health’s sake. for my mind’s sake. for the sake of my peace. for the sake of strengthening my relations here which are always better with distance.

yet, the panic and stress has overtaken me. these past two weeks, day after day, i’ve been feeling so suffocated, anxious, stressed. struggling. i thought, what’s the point in working on myself and going through so much effort to try and be better, just to be here and be pushed back a million steps? i can’t grow here. and, day after day, i’ve slowly lost the joy in the things that make me happy. i stopped doing yoga. i stopped journalling. i stopped meditating. i didn’t want to watch my favourite shows. i didn’t feel like going to the park for a walk. all of a sudden, my islamic summer school that i’m currently enrolled in has become boring and overwhelming—and this is something i was looking forward to for months. i started asking myself, ‘do i even want to be a writer? do i even like it anymore? do i even want to study and enhance my writing for another whole year?’ i procrastinated my prayers. i said, ‘i’m only praying because i have to’. and then, i finally go to the bathroom to do wudhu after procrastinating a prayer and find out that i can no longer pray. i cried. i thought Allah was saying ‘fine, you don’t have to. it’s not by force’.

i’ve been feeling so frustrated. defeated. i haven’t been wanting to do anything anymore. i rolled my eyes at all the self-help and islamic youtube video titles. i stopped reading my self-improvement books and dumped them under my desk, along with my journals. i wrapped myself in a blanket of overwhelm instead, as i lay my head on the pillows of stress and fear.

i’m scared. i tried to hold myself together but inside i’m so afraid. anxiety is like a hamster running on a wheel. the more i feel anxious, the more anxious thoughts creep into my head about other things, stacking on top of one another as i sink lower and lower. now, all of a sudden, i’m stressed about a whole bunch of other things regarding the future.

but as i was praying again the other day, and letting out all of my worries, i began to feel a wave of calm. by my second or third rakaah of maghrib, i was no longer telling Allah about everything i was stressed about in sujood. instead, i was saying, ‘i don’t need to be stressed because You exist. You’ve got me and i have You so i’m going to be okay. i don’t need to worry about anything’. shortly after, i realised that i was just saying the reassurance that Allah Himself was giving me. He was the one who put that thought inside of me. He was telling me i’ll be okay.

i meditated again recently. i allowed myself to be present with my thoughts and feelings in the silence. before i closed my eyes, i looked around my room. i saw different objects—my face cream, my books, my mug from last night on my desk—and began to cry. i’m still not quite sure what came over me. but it felt good to finally let it out. i haven’t felt like crying in a while.

i went to a picnic on the weekend and spoke to one of my aunties who is, Masha’Allah, an incredibly strong woman—despite struggling with all kinds of health issues, she still has beautiful faith and trust in Allah. she was giving me advice about my own illness as i was feeling quite dizzy and hot before we ate lunch. as i sat with her, i felt comfortable enough to tell her all the worries i have about the future, about how my health could block me in different aspects of my future life.

who will want a sick wife? i’m already weak, i’m scared about pregnancy.

her relatability soothed me inexplicably. it felt so nice to be understood. she told me don’t think like that, i used to think like that a lot when i was your age and it really put me in a bad slump. what you need to do now is pray for a pious husband who is understanding. and when the time comes, you will get a lot of support from doctors in pregnancy, they helped me a lot. knowing that she felt the same way, and seeing the life she now has—a beautiful support system around her, Allahumma barik, despite being quite ill—it gave me a lot of hope. it showed me that i’m going to be okay.

but something else she said stood out to me. if your life is going well and you have absolutely no problems, you should be very worried. because a life full of hardship shows that you are loved by Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَى.

these all feel like signs that i’m going to be okay. sometimes it can be hard to hear what Allah is trying to tell you in the midst of stress, anxiety and being in a slump, when you have all these anxious voices in your head. but i have the inkling that He is telling me to just take it day by day and trust in Him. to not get caught up in the future and let it overwhelm and consume me. to trust that He will put everything into place.

i didn’t realise how bad i was at allowing Allah to put everything into place until i went to Rome in june and started panicking about everything—from whether we would make it to our different bookings in time to whether we’ll have enough hair gel by the end of our holiday. eventually, my mum got so fed up of hearing me stress about everything and said do you not trust in God!? don’t you know that Allah will put everything into place?!

sometimes the same things will keep repeating themselves over and over until you finally learn the lesson. the more i keep stressing about the future, rather than trusting that Allah will handle them, the more stressful situations arise. i know i have to just let go of the stress and allow whatever will happen in the future to fall into place. i needed an escape four years ago and Allah gave it to me through university. He knows more than anyone how much being away has benefitted me and is better for me. i need to trust that He will help me again. either through another escape or, (the one i’ve been dreading and will most likely be), to not run away this time but tackle the problems head-on.

it’s hard to stay fully present in a place that’s draining. and i still don’t want to do much. i'm still feeling so physically anxious. but i’m writing again and you’re reading this so i’m slowly taking the baby steps in the right direction to feel alive again. i’m making small gratitude lists again. i realised that i’ve been in a slump and have been stressing about the future so much so that i’m forgetting that i’m at least going back to my safe space soon for another eleven months. i can’t let the place where i feel physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually stable fly by without me realising it because i’m too busy stressing about what will happen when i permanently move back home. i am slowly learning to cross each bridge as it comes.

اَلَیۡسَ اللّٰہُ بِکَافٍ عَبۡدَہٗ
is Allah not sufficient for His servant? (39:37)

my ring ♡ and ‘Allah’ necklace, along with some other jewellery.

it’s been really hard—more than ever before. i was bound to explode at some point, it’s been hard to endure it all. but i know i need to trust in Allah. He’s been asking me to for a while now. sometimes it feels as though there’s a constant battle within me between the anxious thoughts in my head and the part of me who already knows how to let go and trust Allah to handle all of my affairs. i guess, in my case, tawakkul is a journey rather than something i can finally achieve. because, every time i feel like i do have trust in Allah, something bigger happens that requires greater trust and greater strength to calm the anxious storm within.

nonetheless, the fact that i’ve been anxiety-free for such a long time now, alhamdulillah, is proof that i can feel like that again. and, as i wrote in my post the cure Allah handed me for my anxiety, (spoiler) Allah told me that having tawakkul will cure it. it took me years to figure out what the cure was and how to use it. at least this time, i have the cure in my hands. i just need to put my hands to my heart.

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attribute of the month - Al-Muqtadir, the Powerful:

extract from this month’s reflections:

‘…i know that you don’t always get what you want because i’m currently in a phase of my life where i didn’t get what i wanted. and, as of late, i have been reflecting on things that i really wanted and things i thought were good for me and, instead, am thanking Allah that i didn’t get them. because the things i ended up having instead were so much better. and that’s one of my favourite parts about Allah being Al-Muqtadir, the all-Powerful. because no, He is not a genie but if you ask, you’ll never be disappointed. you either will get what you wanted or, you won’t get that exact thing but something better. or something else that embodies the same feeling of what you thought the initial thing would give you. sometimes you’ll need some wisdom and insight to understand how it’s better for you, other times it’s crystal clear. either way, i don’t think anything should ever stop you from making the du’a’s you want to make and asking for what you want to ask for. why limit yourself? by doing that, you limit Allah and His power’.

read more here:

august - attribute of the month

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grab a blessing:

• hasbunAllahu wa ni’mal wakeel x3
  (sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs)

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jazakallah for reading :) over the past two weeks, while i’ve been feeling like this, i’ve received some comments and emails on various posts of mine that i’ve written. i don’t think i can put it into words how much it truly means. last week, i broke down sobbing over the fact that, although i’m not currently feeling good, the stories and experiences i share through my work makes someone else feel good and helps them with their life, affairs and relationship with islam. i feel so blessed that i’m able to do that.

i’ve also gained quite a lot of subscribers this month and want to take the time to say hi, assalamu alaikum and welcome to the world of SabrGirl :) thank you all for being here, whether you’re new or have been around for a while, and for taking the time to read. having almost 200 subscribers in such a short amount of time is… wild. alhamdulillah. when i first started this newsletter, i never thought that so many people would read and want to read what i have to say, i never expected this much love. thank you :’) may Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ bring you all so close to His mercy and love and answer all of your dua’s, Ameen.

sending lots of love right back to you,

— SabrGirl ♡