am i blocking Allah’s blessings?

on getting a proposal

this is SabrGirl. a newsletter where, through my own life experiences and struggles, i hope to inspire, encourage, and also help people feel less alone in their life and islamic journey ♡

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never in my life have i ever had a panic attack while praying before. i had cried so much already throughout the prayer that my nose ended up getting completely blocked. and since i was already panicking over what was troubling me, not being able to breathe sent me into a complete frenzy. there i was in sujood, literally hyperventilating and gasping for air, out loud. i was suffocating. i couldn’t even say ‘subhana rabbi al-‘ala’. if you heard me, you would’ve thought i was dying with the way i was wheezing. thank God i was home alone. the only thing i could manage to say was ‘help!… help!’.

Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ did help, as i managed to take deep breaths in and out—still in sujood—and eventually calmed my breath down.

it seemed like my life was on 2x speed—as if one chapter closed and immediately the next one was flung open without me even getting a chance to breathe.

i went home from university two weeks ago for an event at my mosque. i knew that my dad had something he wanted to tell me and, before the event started, i went to him to say salam, as that was the first time i’d seen him since i moved back to university in september. he asked me briefly how i feel about a recent situation, if my head is cleared and if i’m ready for something else. and i was telling him, it is cleared, i feel the same as i have since summer but… something else? i-i don’t think so? i still am taking my time to just focus on myself. but then i asked him,

‘wait… something… or someone?’

‘someone’.

‘who?’

‘no, no, only if you feel ready because i’m not wasting anyone’s time. i’ll tell you more after the event’.

so, after the event, we spoke more and he was encouraging me to move on. i was telling him about how my past relationship left me really scared about whether i’ll ever really know someone because i thought i did for years, and it really shocked me how someone wasn’t who i thought they were and did things and acted in ways i never expected them to. i remember my best friend told me once, ‘i think the reason why you’re so hurt about this all is not even so much that it didn’t work out but because you’re like, ‘damn… you’re the last person i ever expected all of this from’. so right now, i just don’t feel ready anymore.

but when i was explaining this, my dad was telling me his own life experiences, telling me that it’s okay and basically encouraging me to be open for something else. that it might be better for my heart if i can find happiness elsewhere soon. so in the end i said, hesitantly,

‘…okay well… i guess i… have to be ready at some point’.

‘exactly’.

and then he told me. i got a proposal.

and i already knew that i did from our conversation before the event, but it was not what i was expecting at all. it turns out a really big and respectable man in my community reached out to my dad and told him that he thinks i would be perfect for his son.

the problem is, though, that they live in america. and one of the first things my dad told me was that there would be a possible move to america. immediately, i frowned my face. he knows how much that place terrifies me.

seeing my face, he told me that i don’t have to say yes but to just think about it. he told me more about how the conversation happened and started talking about how he feels honoured that the dad would even think of me. i didn’t really know what to say and the move to america surprised me. so i asked my dad if the boy would move here, to which he said he doesn’t know but that, ‘it’s usually the girl that moves for the boy’. frowning again, he encouraged me to just think about it. so i went home and did—a bit.

the next morning, he texted me and asked me what my thoughts are. and that’s when i thought, he really wants this and the panic came in. i told him that moving to america is throwing me off, i don’t want to move there because:

1. i’m scared of america

2. my entire life is here. all my friends and family, all the uncles and aunties in my communtiy—the community in general—everything. its all here. i can’t just pack it up and move for a man. and a man i don’t even know! both me and the boy don’t even know each other. at that point, i didn’t even know his name. how could i consider this?

but my dad was telling me that moving is not that bad, it’s only a six hour flight to come back to the uk, that i moved to a different city for uni, have settled well on my own and managed to make friends so i’d be able to do the same in america. but i was telling him it’s just not the same. it’s a six hour flight but how often would i be flying back home? i’d be living there every single day. and moving cities and moving countries is not the same. literally everything would change. education systems. work systems. driving on the other side of the road. i’m an aspiring novelist—i’d even have to write and publish my novels in american english when i’ve been writing in british english my entire life. and i hate american english.

why do they spell colour as color?
grey as gray??
organise as organize???

plus, i’m only 21. i’m still in school. i haven’t even seen real life yet, i haven’t truly lived an adult life yet. i’m about to step into real life when i graduate in september—how can i restart my entire life in a new country when my life is only about to begin?

i also told my dad i want to wait until i turn 22 before i start talking to someone else to just have these next five months (including ramadan) to pray, heal and get closer to Allah and feel ready again. but he was telling me not to reject this respectable proposal because no one will wait for me, so saying i want time means rejecting it.

that’s when i lost it and started crying and crying and crying, saying goodbye to everybody in my head, feeling so pressured and scared that i would have to move.

but realistically, how could i even consider this at all without knowing the person. the only thing i know about him is that he’s the son of a very respectable man. and that’s not enough for me. that’s not even a defining quality for me to consider someone for marriage.

i’m not someone who would marry for status. not even in the slightest. i can see how good it would look to others. but it doesn’t excite me at all. in fact, it scares me. i know that it can sometimes put a lot of pressure on a marriage, and can sometimes end up destroying a marriage too if the man has an ego and would do anything to protect his reputation and status—even if that means treating his wife and family badly. i’d rather marry a simple, righteous nobody who has the highest rank with Allah and will help me increase my rank in His eyes, rather than marry someone with a high worldly position (or wants one) that makes me look good to the world.

so i told all of this to my dad and he said my thoughts are correct and i would, of course, if i feel ready to progress to the next step, get to know him, and only move and marry him if i feel he himself is worthy. that’s when he told me more about the boy. i got a name, a photo and a couple of more details. his advice was that i should be guided by prayers rather than sentiment or fears of moving to see whether i want to talk to him.

but still, i felt so scared and pressured. i felt like i didn’t have a choice from the way he seemed to really want this for me. i started panicking again, now thinking about how i’m not even established. being a child of divorce, i know first hand what it’s like. after all, my mother moved from her homeland when she married my dad to live here in the uk. and then she got divorced. she had to literally go back to school (luckily, alhamdulillah, she used to teach back home but since it’s a completely different education system, she still had to go back to college) and work multiple jobs after to provide for my brother and i. it’s scary. i have big fears because of that. traumatic moments. what if i move countries and (God forbid) that happens to me? i haven’t even built a career yet—what will i do, alone, in america? what if i have kids? what foundation will i have left behind to build myself back up from? i’m only 21!

when i tell people this, they tell me that i’m preparing for divorce and should stop. but they don’t understand. no one doesn’t want to get divorced more than me. but after seeing how hard my mother struggled—the trauma i have from it all—i have to have a backup plan and learn from her experience.

and what about the community work i do at the mosque? i only just started. i’ve been making so many new friends and building bonds with people at the mosque more than i have before. in america, i’d have to restart all over again and i only just started to feel like i belong here. if i was older, like 25 or 26, i’d feel much more open to leaving the country forever. but not now.

spiralling and going insane at all of these thoughts in my head, i was praying, please can he not like me, please can he not like me (i take it back now).

but then i began to wonder if i’m blocking Allah’s blessings and started panicking more. what if this is a door that Allah has opened for me? i’ve been praying a lot for my future spouse, i’ve had a lot of conversations with Allah about it—did i not talk in october - attribute of the month about how much i want love, and about the whole tree analogy of how it comes out of nowhere? (remember when my aunty told me in the gems of wisdom through our elders to be careful for what you pray for? what an example this is. Allah actually does answer prayers for real). what if this american boy is this person for me and i say no? what if Allah is blessing me with a rizq in a way i didn’t expect but is good for me? what if this is what Allah wants for me and i’m turning away out of fear? after all, am i not a servant of Allah? His will over my will, right?

it didn’t help that my mum was on the opposite end of the spectrum. my dad seemed to really want it but my mum, after knowing that they’re in america, was so against it and was stressing me out even more. she was telling me all sorts of scenarios and said that i’m her only daughter, that she can’t just send me across the world. and it’s true, i also don’t want to leave her. no way. so in one ear i was hearing, ‘don’t reject this proposal’ and in the other, i was hearing, ‘reject it’.

i was going crazy. what’s the right thing to do? what do i want?

and that’s when i realised. i felt like no one had actually asked me, ‘sabrgirl, what do you want?’

and i didn’t even know myself. what did i want? i was too caught up in the anxieties of moving and the two contrasting opinions from my parents that i didn’t even get a chance to ask myself - do i want to get to know the boy? do i want to reject it completely? what feels right?

eventually, i sent voice notes while i was crying to one of the aunties from the mosque who i’ve always trusted with my secrets and this topic of marriage. i told her that i feel so pressured, that i’m going to be alone there and there are guns in america.

she called me immediately and spoke to me:

'you’re worried about something that has not even started yet. you don’t need to be so distressed. your dad is just encouraging you because he’s seen a good family, and that’s what fathers want for their daughters. but he will never force you. talking doesn’t mean acceptance. you can just talk to the boy and say no if you don’t like him. your dad will be okay with it’.

‘but what if i do like him?’

‘then you can cross that bridge when it comes. he might even want to come to england, have you even thought about that? sometimes the boy moves too. but forget about moving for now and take it out of your head. you don’t even know the man yet. pray and see what you want to do’.

that really helped a lot. i told both of my parents that since they both have contrasting opinions, it’s really stressing me out and clogging my own head. i respectfully asked both of them if they could not talk to me about the matter for a week so that i can pray istikhara and see what Allah wants me to do.

i’m really glad they listened to me. my dad even told me that i need clarity, not confusion, and the stress won’t help me make a clear decision. now, i was able to pray without feeling pressured. and i eventually began to calm down. i told Allah,

‘i don’t want to move to america. i don’t even feel ready right now for that kind of big jump. i have plans that i want to do here. i’d only move if this man is the man of my *dreams* and i’m convinced i’ll never get anyone better. but we plan and You plan. so if america is better for me and this man actually is the righteous, kind man who is compatible with me on every single level that i’ve been praying for and is actually the one you’ve decreed for me, and we’ll have the peace that you said marriage is for, then open my heart up to it and give me a dream and talk to me—please, talk to me and tell me what to do. i need you to talk to me more than ever. should i talk to him or should i reject it?’

but thinking about talking to him when i feel hesitant seemed like a big no as i know what it’s like to be led on by someone who isn’t ready and i’m not going to go and do the same thing to someone else. what if he ends up liking me and i’m hesitant and confused? it’s painful. i was in it too long to go and do the same.

so even while praying, i ended up asking so many different people for advice. all of my friends. an online support group that i have. my discord friends. i was asking everyone i could so that i’m sure i’m not blocking a blessing from Allah. and i was getting all kinds of advice—so varied and different. it confused me even more. eventually, me and my best friend had a long conversation about it and she told me,

‘you’re asking so many different people—and it’s good that you have so many people to support you that are willing to give you their advice. but the more you get, the more confused you’re going to be. and also, people will only give advice based on their own experiences. why don’t you just ask chatgpt? he’ll give advice objectively’.

‘there’s no way i’m going to ask a robot for marital advice’.

‘just do it and see’.

and thank God i did. we had a long conversation but i’ll share some snippets of it:

:) that’s enough

i can’t believe a robot helped me feel closer to Allah. it even helped me analyse some of the dreams i had about this situation. should i feel scared or glad? that’s an essay for another day.

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at some point during my week of istikhara, i ended up getting a job offer. i had initially applied for this job during the summer and did an interview for it back in september. but i wasn’t successful. but now, they were offering it to me and they wanted me to tell them if i want to accept it ASAP. this stressed me out too because now i was praying istikhara for two decisions. again, i started stressing over blocking Allah’s blessings if i say no to this.

i didn’t know what to do as i already have a lot going on right now, and i have another part time job, though it isn’t very regular. but i have been praying for financial abundance as doing a masters is expensive. so i prayed about whether or not it’s good for me and, afterwards, i really felt strongly that it was. so when i accepted it—that’s when it clicked. i initially didn’t get the job and alhamdulillah that i didn’t because i would have exploded if i was working these past few months. but…

the job was always written for me so it came back when the timing was right.

it was a sign! i don’t feel that the timing is right for me with this proposal for so many different reasons. but, if this boy truly, truly is the one that Allah has written for me—just like chatgpt said, it will come back when the timing is right and better.

“what is meant for you will reach you, even if it’s beneath two mountains. and what is not meant for you will not reach you, even if it’s between your two lips.”

in the end, i honestly told my dad all my feelings: how strongly i feel against moving to america right now and wanting to build my career here, that i would be more open to this if he were in the uk, about needing at least a couple of months to heal, especially using ramadan to get closer to Allah and fill my holes with Him, before i’m ready for something new. but, i told him that because i did have a couple of dreams that make me think i should talk to him, and i did a lot of meditation and dhikr to listen to what my heart was telling me, which also was saying ‘talk to him,’ i do really want to talk to the boy and clearly tell him all of these feelings, tell him where i’m currently at, hear his perspective and see if he even wants to get married.

because after all, the proposal came from his parents. what if he’s in the same boat as me? what if he himself isn’t ready for marriage either? maybe we could agree to come back when we’re both more open to it. or if he says, actually i’m really eager and want to get married here in america next year, then i’ll know he’s not the right person for me. maybe i’ll tell from the get go that he’s not for me and all of this stress would’ve been for nothing. i’ll be my usual self making weird, crazy jokes (i’m literally a copy of lorelai from gilmore girls) and maybe he’ll stare at me with a blank, confused face. unless he won’t. that’ll be a problem because i do not want to move. if we do click, i’ll have to use my best convincing skills to bring him here. either way, talking will give me more clarity and i can be honest to him about where i’m at right now.

after i told my dad this, he spoke to the boy’s dad about my feelings and he was incredibly understanding. the boy’s dad said that there’s no rush at all—even on their side, the boy apparently isn’t completely ready either (knew it) and he doesn’t want to put pressure on me or force it when i’m hesitant about it. he understands that moving is a big thing and wants me to pray earnestly about the proposal and take as much time as i need to feel as comfortable and ready as possible before maybe progressing to the next level. he even said i should use ramadan to pray on it a lot, and then come back if, after all the praying, i honestly think it could work out and i want to give it a shot.

(how sweet is the dad? i’m going to consider it more now just for that. and just what i wanted too! i did want a few months to heal regardless, i wanted ramadan).

so i was worried for nothing. i wanted time from the very beginning and i got it. even my dad told me in the end that, although i feel like i’m being pulled in two different directions by him and my mum, and although i think he really wants this, he’s actually been praying for Allah to guide me to what’s right as it’s ultimately my life and he wants me to be happy :)

that’s when i realised that i was so scared about blocking Allah’s blessings when this whole time, the whole act of relying on Allah’s guidance and learning how to kindly shut out all external voices—including my own parents—to focus on what Allah wants was the blessing the entire time. i stumbled a few times, like when i was praying but then still asked so many people online, my friends—even a robot (though it was the most helpful). but by the time my week of istikhara ended, i was only asking Allah for guidance and relying on what my heart was feeling and what my dreams were telling me after the prayers.

all that stress over blocking a blessing when this whole situation was bringing me closer to Him anyway.

and i even learnt how to bravely and honestly communicate my feelings to everyone—to my parents that i need some space from their opinions for a while, to the boy’s family (through my dad) that i really, really don’t want to move to america at this stage in my life but i am open to sharing my honest feelings with the boy and see if we could work something out, and to myself about what it is i really want and need, and then honouring that, despite feeling scared.

either way, no matter what the outcome is of this situation, whether in a few months’ time i’ll feel really positive about it or end up not wanting it at all (so happy i have more time to really think about it, pray and heal), it’ll have brought me closer to Him. i know for a fact that Allah doesn’t put people or situations in your life for no reason. it came out of nowhere and from all the way across the sea—it will definitely teach me something, strengthen my bond with Allah and help me grow. and that is and will be the blessing.

so can you really block a blessing from Allah if the very act of turning to Him is the blessing itself?

“whoever comes to Me walking, I will go to him running”.
(sahih al-bukhari 7405)

grab a blessing:

• alhamdulillah x3
  (all praise belongs to Allah)

• ihdinas siraatal mustaqim x3
  (guide us in the right path)

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jazakallah for reading. this was a long one, i’ve even gotten the notification ‘near email limit’ so i know i should keep this brief. thank you so much for being here. truly. it’s nice to document my life and share my journey with you all. it’s going to be interesting to look back on this in a year’s time. i’ll probably laugh at how much i worried myself for nothing. isn’t that what it’s always like? i wonder why i (we?) never learn the lesson and just… relax. it always ends up being okay. alhamdulillah. and my dad was right—not being stressed really does help with the clarity and decision making. i feel so much better now… perhaps more open to it? i think curious is the right word.

please keep me in your prayers. please pray that Allah heals my heart and guides me to what’s right for me and will be a happy blessing in my life, not a heartbreaking trial. may we all get the best. all of us :) Ameen. sending lots of love,

— SabrGirl ♡.