you don't always get to choose how you worship Allah

on ramadan as a non-faster

usually, i can feel ramadan in the air when it arrives. i can feel it entering my home, seeping through the walls and making its way into my heart. i can smell it in the air when i walk outside, as if nature itself knows who has come and begins to emit a pleasant scent. every year, i receive it like a friend that i only get to see every now and then and always, eagerly, await its arrival.

but for some reason, this year i couldn’t feel the ramadan spirit.

the month had started and i had just come back home from umrah. in the days leading up to it, the thought of going for umrah and then coming back during ramadan made me feel excited for an extended sacredness, a special way for my umrah benefits to linger. and i felt the ramadan spirit there in makkah when it began. but coming back home, it felt like ramadan remained by the kaaba and i had left it there.

to discover that there was a void in my chest where the feeling of ramadan’s arrival should have been was shocking.

perhaps, i thought, it was because i experienced a real spiritual high unlike ever before during my umrah that ramadan didn’t seem as spiritual as it had before. which was true—ramadan has always been the most spiritual thing i’ve known until i went for umrah. but surely, this feeling should have left by day four, at least.

should i not have started to feel the ramadan spirit by then? why did it feel like any other usual month?

eager to solve the issue, i went onto youtube and began watching many islamic podcasts about ramadan. and they were all on how great fasting is. how it’s a great way to purify your nafs. a way to get disciplined. a way to attain righteousness.

a way i don’t have access to.

a few minutes into each video, i would sigh, turn it off and search for another one. and again, the benefits of fasting would be talked about. what a way to train yourself to not give into temptation, they said. how beautiful that a whole ummah can refrain from their desires from sundown to sunset for an entire month.

a whole ummah except me.

now i definitely didn’t feel the ramadan spirit. now i felt like a failure. now i felt the FOMO again, just like i do every year. and i realised what it was that was stopping me from feeling the ramadan spirit. as usual, it was the other guest i welcome along with ramadan every year:

the fact that i cannot fast in ramadan.

what about the people like me who can’t fast during ramadan? where are the videos that cater to people like me? then i thought to myself, why are you getting upset that most of the videos about ramadan are talking about the main thing ramadan is about? that’s silly.

but if only i could fast, i thought, i’d most likely be able to feel the ramadan spirit.

so, i made it a plan to fast that coming weekend. but during the week on my usual days, if i hadn’t eaten after a while, i would feel sick, get my painful cramps and feel weak. similarly, if i hadn’t drank enough water, i would begin to feel dizzy and feel a headache coming on from my low blood. so i knew, what’s the point in even trying? if i clearly can’t go a few hours without eating when i’m not even fasting, how would i survive an entire day?

but it wasn’t until i came across yaqeen institute’s Qur’an 30 for 30 series and got onto episode & juz five that i finally saw a video talking about people like me! people who can’t fast during ramadan! although the shaykh’s were talking about the elderly who end up developing illnesses and can no longer fast, while i’m young and chronically ill, the message was still the same and i felt grateful for the representation.

Surely, Allah wrongs not anyone even by the weight of an atom. And if there be a good deed, He multiplies it and gives from Himself a great reward (4:41).

commenting on this verse, shaykh Abdullah Oduro says:

“through Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ’s choice to take something from [the elderly and children]—their health—this verse is important to remember that Allah does not oppress and there’s a divine wisdom. and it’s going to be a struggle to be patient, it’s going to be a struggle to realise that this is for a reason but the tougher the struggle, the more the reward.”

reflecting on this point, Dr Osman Umarji said:

“it takes some maturity to realise that you don’t get to pick how you worship. and Allah will tell you, ‘I’m taking away this opportunity and I’m going to give you another one’. […] you worship Allah through the situation He puts you in: ‘I wanted to read Qur’an, I wanted to give sadaqah but i’m being asked to do something else’. this is submission to Allah.”

then finally, Dr Omar Suleiman was the last to reflect on this all and said:

“sometimes our good deeds become more about us rather than Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ. if you’re doing your good deeds for Allah, then you’ll be pleased when Allah Azzawajal directs you to a pursuit of good that’s not as satisfying. […] a lot of us forget and say ‘i want to do the thing that makes me feel good’ […] but you can’t make your good deeds about yourself, your good deed is about Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ and if Allah has directed you to that good deed, then alhamdulillah.”

and subhanallah, this reminder that it is impossible for Allah to oppress, the reminder to not be upset that someone else is on another path and to, instead, get through the gate that’s right in front of me, the fact that we don’t always get to choose how we worship Allah was what i needed to accept my situation.

and as soon as the acceptance came, the feeling of ramadan came rushing in, embracing me like a friend who was waiting for me to open the door. i could smell ramadan in the air again as i walked outside, the familiar scent of barakah greeting me as the wind gently brushed against my cheek. i felt the familiar, unspoken resolve in my body to strive for Allah’s sake, the familiar longing within my heart to feel His presence and nearness and stand up for worship more than usual, the desire to read His words more with attentiveness and understanding.

the ability to feel the ramadan spirit in the air was in my control the entire time. it just came with surrendering to the fact that we don’t always get to choose how we worship Allah but we worship Him in the ways that we can.

Allah Himself is the one who decreed it to be a struggle for me to fast. but is He also not the one who created the path leading to Him? and do i not ask multiple times a day, during my salah when i recite surah fatihah, to guide me on that very path?

and the whole time, i wasn’t realising that i have been put on that path and have been worshipping Him in another way—and, ironically, in my favourite way too. being an english literature graduate, i love analysing the Qur’an and its beautiful words. and watching the 30 for 30 series and then Qur’an journaling after, reflecting on the verses and specific words, relating them to my life and creating action plans for how i can live by the Qur’an—this has been my act of worship, the avenue Allah has opened for me this ramadan.

although this act of worship didn’t seem satisfying to me because the majority are fasting, it’s one of the ways Allah wanted me specifically to worship Him: to learn how to live more by His words and His guidance. and it’s the way my prayer to be guided on the right path—the path to Him—is being answered.

because not being able to fast was never me being a failure, it was never me being inadequate, and it was never Allah oppressing me or isolating me away from the majority of the ummah. subhanallah, reflecting on it, since i don’t have to worry about suhoor, i have the ability to pray tahajjud all the way to fajr. i can recite the Qur’an without my throat going dry because i can just drink some water, eat some food and continue my recitation. i have the energy for extra nawafil prayers.

and the beauty is that it’s the path that Allah Himself curated for me—from Allah, to Allah. and has ended up being a superpower in my own right.

so if there’s anything i’ve been learning this ramadan, it’s that we don’t always get to worship Allah in the ways that we want. but if that is the case, we shouldn’t close our eyes to the blessings that are available to us and sitting right outside our doorstep, just waiting to be let in.

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grab a blessing

• la ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimin
  (There is no God but You, Holy are You. I have indeed been of the wrongdoers - 21:88)

• Allahumma salli ‘alā Muḥammad
  (O Allah, bestow Your favor on Muhammad)

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jazakallah for reading! i pray you’re all having a blessed ramadan so far. i can’t believe we’re already over a third of the way in. it’s interesting to see the ways Allah makes ramadan transformative for me every year—it’s never in the ways i expect and has been surprising me. but it’s nice to see. i’m really enjoying ramadan now that i’ve accepted and surrendered. i’m sad it’ll be over eventually but i’m trying to stay present and savour every moment. these are my favourite thirty days to exist :)

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thank you for your time and presence here, especially in these special ramadan days. may Allah accept and answer all of our du’as in the most beautiful ways, Ameen.

sending so much love, as always,

— SabrGirl ♡.