the gems of wisdom through our elders

on my islamic residential weekend: community, character, marriage & righteousness

over the weekend, i went to a youth residential my community has been holding for the past three years. every year, we have a sleepover at our different mosques around the country and take part in workshops, pray together, do various activities together, eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together and overall, increase our nearness to Allah, islam and the community.

this is the second one i’ve attended and, after leaving this year’s residential, i feel so much more present and grounded after spending time with the girls i’ve grown up with and the aunties who have helped raised me and watched me grow over the years (we always call our elders ‘aunty’ or ‘grandma’, even though they’re not biologically related to us). for two of our many workshops, we were split into three groups based on our age ranges, with us in the 18-25 year old category being very few. there were about 50 girls in total, with only 5 of us being between 18-25 sitting in front of our elders, who huddled around together and poured down their wisdom to us.

as i sat there and listened to them all, a thought came into my mind: that one day, they won’t be here anymore—the only part of them that would remain would be the knowledge they were passing down to me. but instead of feeling sad, i found myself smiling as i admired each and every one of them, feeling incredibly present, and listened so attentively to what they were saying. i truly cherished the moments i spent with them in those workshops. i knew that, one day, i would be in their shoes pouring this wisdom and my own experiences to the coming generation of girls—my children and their friends, until all of us reunite in jannah, Insha’Allah.

before i went on this residential, i asked Allah to allow it to be spiritually rejuvenating for me, as i’ve been having a low imaan for a few months now and it’s been making me feel so lost. i remember last year at the residential, praying tahajjud with everybody, feeling that sense of community with my sisters, being woken up by the aunties clapping their hands, banging on the walls and screaming, ‘ASSALAMO ALAIKUM GIRLS! TIME FOR TAHAJJUD! WAKE UP!’ and feeling so disoriented as i walked with all the girls with crust in our eyes to brush our teeth, do wudhu and put our abayas on top of our pyjamas, it filled me with so much happiness inside and made me feel so close to Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ. it was what gave me that boost in my imaan and coming out of that weekend last year, i felt so spiritually rejuvenated.

so, before this weekend that just passed, i was praying a lot for this residential to not only give me another spiritual boost, but, looking at my calendar, i asked that Allah could delay me so that i can pray tahajjud with everybody again. because of this, i felt disheartened when i was on the long train journey to the residential with an aunty and a couple of girls and discovered that i can no longer pray for a few days. i remember talking to Allah in my head saying, ‘but why? i wanted to pray tahajjud with everybody’ and felt upset that my prayer wasn’t answered. i also felt afraid and thought that maybe this weekend wouldn’t be as spiritually rejuvenating for me as it was last year.

i remember my aunty telling me that my intention to pray tahajjud was there so i’ll still get the reward. that gave me hope inside but i still felt upset that i wouldn’t be able to truly utilise what the weekend was about: worshipping Allah and drawing nearer to Him. little did i know, though, that although tahajjud and praying in itself is, of course, an excellent and very important way to draw nearer to Allah, the gems of wisdom that i gained through my elders by sitting before them and listening to their stories was also a way for me to gain that spiritual boost and allowed me to feel like my imaan is finally back on track again. alhamdulillah.

i thought i could share some of the gems with you :)

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when our workshops were no longer together and we split into our age ranges, the first workshop for us 18-25 year olds was about the life of the Holy Prophet ﷺ and his character as an exemplar model. there were about ten or twelve aunties infront of us five girls and, after asking us what we know already about him ﷺ, the aunty who was leading this workshop began to tell us about how the Prophet ﷺ was named as-sadiq and al-amin, the truthful and honest. she asked us to reflect on our lives:

if people were to describe us, how many of them would truly say that you’re an honest person, that you’re trustworthy? how many of you keep a secret because that is very big in the eyes of Allah—someone coming to you and trusting you with something personal to them, how many of you keep it to yourself?

at hearing this, i began tearing up and rapidly blinked back my tears because of something that happened recently, where someone in my family was urging me over and over to tell them a secret about somebody else—not to gossip or tell other people but' ‘to make du’a for them’. i didn’t want to tell them but they kept forcing me and wouldn’t leave me alone, no matter how many times i said ‘i don’t want to tell you, it’s not for me to say, i can’t say it, it’s personal to them’. but i kept being told, ‘just tell me, i’m going to make du’a for them, just tell me so i can be more specific in my du’a’. but i didn’t fully trust that statement. i knew there was truth to it, they would pray for them. but i also had a feeling they just wanted to know what the secret was.

after a million back and forths and not being listened to, i got angry, lashed out and just gave in and told them the secret. i felt so annoyed the whole night, at them, at myself. and also so guilty because i knew that if the roles were reversed, i wouldn’t want someone to tell my secret to someone else even if it was just to make a du’a for me. so, hearing the aunty talk about being trustworthy, being able to keep a secret and it being a big thing in the eyes of Allah, i was holding back my tears so much that i began crying out of my nose and kept sniffing and wiping the water that was pouring out of it, while i recited istighfar in my head and was begging for forgiveness.

i was feeling angry at the person for forcing me but i knew deep down that i can only be angry at myself for giving in. hearing the aunty talk about this in the workshop and reflecting on how trustworthy the Holy Prophet ﷺ was, it was a lesson for me to learn how to respectfully but firmly tell someone ‘no’ and not give in, even if they’re in your family and Allah has instructed you to talk to them with respect.

different aunties began to chip in and one told a story about how she once went shopping with her friend for eid to buy some meat. however, when she checked her receipt later on, she realised that she didn’t get charged for the meat and, somehow, the scanners didn’t beep on her way out of the store. she was talking about it with her friend and told her that she feels like going back to the shop again to tell them. her friend snatched the receipt out of my aunty’s hand, telling her, ‘no, why would you do that? you got it for free, just enjoy it’. my aunty snatched her receipt back and said, ‘i will go back!’ as she wasn’t feeling peace in her heart:

i couldn’t rest. how can i go and enjoy eid knowing that i’m eating food i haven’t paid for? how can i wear this hijab on my head but my character is not honest? my consciousness could not rest, i didn’t feel peace.

so, she went back to the shop, told them what happened and then paid for it in the end. her story reminded me of one of my favourite hadith’s where the Beloved Prophet ﷺ said:

“Righteousness is what calms the soul and reassures the heart. Sin is what troubles the soul and makes your heart restless - even if people give you a decision in its favour (to justify it)”.

at this, another aunty chipped in and said that sometimes people don’t pay for the train or try and cheat the system. this is where i felt like i was being attached again. in london, we call this ‘bumping the train’. i never pay for the tram because i know there’s never any inspectors that come. and my railcard expired and just last week, to even meet that aunty that was speaking, i bought a ticket with the railcard option and sometimes even use the 16-17 railcard option thinking ‘they won’t even check’.

but when the aunties were talking about how that counts as being dishonest, how we’re all ambassadors of the Holy Prophet ﷺ by following his religion and must strive to follow in the footsteps of as-sadiq and al-amin, how Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ is always watching and doing that is basically stealing, it really made me reflect on my own actions. initially, when they asked the question, ‘how many people can say that you’re truly honest?’ i was thinking to myself, ‘they would say i am, i hate lying and hate when people lie to me. i try my best not to lie, though sometimes i do’. i always thought of being truthful and honest as not lying. but reflecting on the Holy Prophet ﷺ’s character and listening to the examples the aunties gave, it really opened my eyes to what having an honest and truthful character truly is—it’s more than just speaking the truth.

after this, the lead aunty then went on to talk about how the Holy Prophet ﷺ is also an exemplar model because he went through every possible thing on earth so that we can look up to him in every corner of our lives. she went on to list some of the hardships he went through: that he had a lot of children with Hadrat Khadija (ra) and buried most of them, he grew up without a father, his mother died when he was young, then his grandfather died—and went on and on, listing so much. i already knew all of this stuff but i was already blinking back tears and doing istighfar because i was feeling so guilty after the secrets and trustworthy discussion. so then, hearing all of these heartbreaking things that he ﷺ went through at such a young age one after the other, and hearing that Allah did this so that the rest of mankind can have a role model to look up to when they have their own tribulations, it finally got it out of me. i started crying.

it was so embarrassing. all faces turned to look at me as my own was all scrunched up and sobbing with the aunties going awwww, making me feel more embarrassed as everyone my age was sitting next to me. i threw in a joke saying, ‘guys, i’m on my period’ to lay it off and make it seem like i’m not really that emotional but, as my friends laughed at it, i knew i was truly crying because i felt so heartbroken for him ﷺ and also feeling so guilty about myself.

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the residential itself was also hilarious and peaceful—we laughed together, we were crocheting and having aunties teach us how to crochet, sleeping next to each other on our mattresses on the floor of the masjid halls.

during tahajjud time, the recitation was playing through the speakers so loudly in every room of the mosque. so, while me and some girls were sleeping in the hall, i could hear the imam reciting so loudly from the masjid—but somehow, it didn’t wake me up. i could hear it in my subconscious, in my dreams, and it was such a beautiful sleep that made me feel so peaceful inside. until the grandma’s and some aunties started coming up to us, shaking us with their hands, taking our duvets away from our faces and saying, ‘are you sure you’re not praying? are you sure?’ as if we would lie just to not wake up.

we later laughed at it together, though we felt so angry in the moment, thinking ‘do you want us to prove it to you? let us sleep!’

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throughout the whole weekend, multiple aunties were emphasising the importance of righteousness, that once we adopt true righteousness, everything will fall into place. in the 18-25 workshop, they were stressing this fact when looking for a spouse—choosing a truly righteous man because he will fear Allah and won’t hurt you. i remember telling my list of qualities i want in a man to my aunty and she began laughing at me, saying, ‘i remember when i was once you’. she’s very like-minded to me and was telling me that i should be careful for what i pray for when it comes to spouses because it’ll actually come true—true righteousness must be the first thing i pray for because all other things will fall into place through that. i was grateful to talk to her because normally i hear, ‘you can’t have everything you want,’ but ever since i was a child, i have always had the belief that if you really believe in Allah’s power and pray with conviction, He will give you what you want in beautiful ways. so hearing her tell me to be very careful with what i pray for was like a sign from God telling me, ‘I know you know I’ll give you what you want, so pray intentionally’.

she told me that she has friends who got what they wanted, they did end up with rich husbands, men with high positions and ranks, men who have all these material, wordly things but he has no faith. and their children are now going astray. and they themselves are not happy. but she told me that when you pray for righteousness first and truly emphasise in your prayers that you mainly want a righteous spouse with a good character then ask for anything else you want, then it’s better.

but at this, in the workshop, i said,

‘but aunty, i don’t understand. how am i meant to know if someone is truly righteous? what if they seem righteous and are doing all the right things, like praying a lot, being active in the community, are close to the Qur’an etc, but then… aren’t actually doing righteous things and their behaviour hurts you and they don’t treat you right and end up breaking your heart over and over? how do i know if someone is righteous for real?’

by this point, these aunties know that when i ask such specific questions, i’m not asking for no reason. even last residential, when the topic of marriage came up, i was asking such specific questions that one aunty came up to me afterwards and asked if i needed someone to talk to, which was such a great help—may Allah reward her.

to answer my question, she really emphasised the importance of istikhara and asking Allah to protect and guide you and truly give you what is good for you. she told me that she was praying istikhara for a specific job and asked Allah that if the job isn’t good for her, then don’t let her have it and give her what is good for her instead. and when she did the interview, she found out at the end that she wasn’t successful, and she just said ‘alhamdulillah’. the employer, who is a non-muslim, was confused and said ‘what?’ and my aunty said, ‘i am just praising God’. the employer became even more confused, and said, ‘i thought you would be sad?’. but my aunty felt peace because she knew that the job wasn’t for her. fast forward two weeks, the manager of that company called her and asked if she would like a position that was even better than what she had initially interviewed for, and she now works there. she told me that it gets stressful, she gets so drained sometimes and there’s hardship within the job, but she takes it on because she knows that the job is from Allah and is the right position for her. she told me that she gave me that example so that i really hold fast to my prayers and ask Allah for guidance when it comes to getting married—and everything—and also be detached from the outcome.

and it made me reflect on my own prayers. when i was doing istikhara for something i really wanted, i would always still say, ‘but please let it happen’ and was so attached to the outcome. i would even be scared of doing istikhara and would be asking Allah half-heartedly, ‘if it’s not for me, please don’t let it be mine… but please let it be mine’. but when i had finally had enough and was fed up of a specific situation, i prayed istikhara again in full anger, conviction and complete detachment, and said to Allah, ‘if this is not good for me, remove it from my life completely and, i beg you, do not let it come back to me again’.

and that prayer worked wonders. it completely removed my emotions for the whole thing, which was shocking as i’m incredibly emotional, but it was also needed at the time. at the end, i felt so drained as if all my emotions had been sucked out of me after giving away so much of myself and so much of my emotions for such a long time. and it also brought a lot of hardship for me for the remaining months, some of which i’ve touched on in my posts. but i also felt so free to allow my emotions to find something else to feel deeply for instead—and i fell in love with researching islamic mysticism and connecting deeper with Allah.

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i could go on forever about different stories my elders gave me and the lessons i learnt. but coming out of the residential, i feel much more grounded and present. the things i want are much simpler now. i realised that i haven’t really been putting the akhirah in the forefront of my mind like i should be and have been rushing to have so many worldly things. now i feel like taking my days much slower, enjoying each moment and everybody that i encounter and take my time to truly worship Allah—not just with praying, but also by acting in a way that is pleasing to Him and revolving everything that i want, have and do around Him and His pleasure.

these are gems that i will treasure forever, i hope that maybe you took something out of it too :)

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attribute of the month: Al-Wadood, the Most Loving:

an extract from this month’s reflection:

‘…i found it when i was no longer looking for one, no longer forcing any tree to be mine for a while longer when it was never mine to begin with or when it was wet and causing me discomfort. i put my hand to my love tree and just breathed in and out for ages, crying as i realised that Allah was teaching me a lesson and reminding me of my past experiences—terrifyingly, in order—and giving me hope that i will, one day, finally get this love tree manifested in reality. i didn’t even care that people from the path who were on their walks were looking at me, probably thinking who is this weirdo crying with her palm to the tree and talking to the sky?

…looking back now, i realise that the desire and the tree were symbolic of my desire to have romance, to be with mr right, to be happily married. but Allah told me that i don’t need to go acting on this desire. He told me to stop forcing it. to let go and let God. to just walk the path of life—and i will naturally find it on the way’.

read more here:

october - attribute of the month

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grab a blessing:

• Allahumma salli ala Muhammad x5
  (O Allah, send Your blessings on Muhammad and his family)

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jazakallah for reading! i hope you’re all doing okay. i finally found some time to write, i have been so busy like crazy. my new masters course is way more time consuming than i thought. i usually write my posts in the evenings but i now have classes in the late afternoon until evening and when i get home, i just want to pray, shower, read and go to bed. and during the day, i’m so busy studying, reading for my course, writing fiction for my workshops, doing work for my community and doing other hobbies! i feel like i’m properly adulting now but i’m enjoying this experience. it took a minute to feel less lonely and enjoy my time alone (which i talked about in my last post) but alhamdulillah, with hardship comes ease :’) my best friend is finally moving back home next week too Insha’Allah, so i’m excited to finally feel less alone again (though, by now, i don’t feel as alone anymore!)

how is everything in your life? i would love to hear about it :) reply to this email or leave a comment, i love connecting with each and every single one of you, truly! sending much love, as always,

— SabrGirl ♡