may - attribute of the month
'My Lord is with me. He will guide me aright'
after asking Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ to give me one of His attributes for this month, I spun the attribute wheel and it landed on Al Wakeel — The Trustee, the Disposer of Affairs, the Trustworthy.
the word ‘wakeel’ comes from the root waw-kaf-lam (و ك ل), which has the following connotations: to appoint/entrust the care of something, a guardian and to rely upon and confide in.
when the wheel landed on this attribute, i had to just smile. i feel like Allah has been giving me so many messages lately, telling me to trust Him, and the constant reassurance and proof that I can has been so soothing to me. getting this attribute only added to the comfort.
tawakkul hasn’t always come easily to me. those who also suffer from anxiety will understand the ‘need’ for control, the ‘need’ to know everything and, if they don’t have that (which is most of the time), there are symptoms that come with it. to people on the outside, it can seem like “… just relax? and trust Allah. let life play out”. but when you actually suffer from an anxiety disorder, it’s not that easy to surrender—you have the sleepless nights, the nausea, the shaking body and chills, the chewing of my cheeks and fingers, the stomach aches, the genuine discomfort and fear when things are out of my control, when i’m in the unknown, when i feel lost and trapped. it’s a battle i’ve been fighting for many years but, alhamdulillah, my tawakkul has slowly been getting stronger and i’ve learnt a few things along the way.
i used to think that it was only sabr that was needed in times of deep confusion and hurt, and that tawakkul was just accepting that everything is happening for a reason, the bad just means that you’re getting closer to Allah. while this is true, i’ve realised over the years that it’s also trusting that Allah will always make a way out for you, trusting that you will get your flowers, trusting that Allah will make it all okay.
the battle between anxiety and tawakkul is quite common and is something that has been on my mind lately. questions like can you ever stop feeling anxious? does someone who has anxiety mean that their tawakkul isn’t that strong yet? pop into my head. i think about something my mother told me a few months ago. you see, she’s had such a tough life and, now that i’m growing older, she’s seeing how worried i am about different aspects of my own life and has been giving me advice. something she told me is that she used to worry, feel anxious, and stress out so much in life and about life when my brother and i were young. but now, alhamdulillah, life has worked out so beautifully for her and all her hard work, bravery and strength have paid off. i’m so happy to see it. yet, despite this, her health has been affected a lot in the process.
while she was telling me that i need to trust in Allah, she told me that if she had just relaxed and not felt so anxious and worried back then, she would have saved herself from a lot of illness she’s now going through—because everything worked out anyway. Allah showed her the way and never left her side and has blessed her. she told me that if she had just understood that Allah is 100% going to show her the way and that the hardship won’t last forever, maybe her deep anxiety wouldn’t have manifested so physically. Allah knows best about whether or not this is true, but it made me think a lot about the relationship between anxiety and tawakkul. there have been times that i felt so scared and trapped, and i didn’t know what to do. but Allah did indeed show me the way. alhamdulillah. it really does always work out.
but fear and anxiety, i think it’s inherent to man and always will be there. whether it’s mild or extreme, a disorder or a fleeting feeling. even the prophets of Allah felt anxious:
“and Moses conceived a fear in his mind. We said ‘Fear not, for thou wilt have the upper hand’” (20:68-69)
“(Moses) said, ‘My Lord, I fear that they will treat me as a liar; And my breast is straitened and my tongue is not fluent; therefore, send word to Aaron. And they have a charge against me, so I fear that they may kill me.’ Allah said, “Not so, go then, both of you, with Our Signs; We are with you and We hear.” (26:13-16)
our beloved Prophet ﷺ even felt lost/scared/sad which is insinuated in the verse:
“Thy Lord has not forsaken thee, nor is He displeased with thee. Surely every hour that follows is better for thee than the one that precedes. And thy Lord will soon give thee and thou will be well pleased” (93:4-6).
even his ﷺ dua: ‘O Allah, I seek refuge with You from anxiety, and sorrow, and weakness, and laziness, and miserliness, and cowardice, and the burden of debts and from being overpowered by men’ shows that anxiety is inherent in man
i think i’m slowly starting to realise that, in my case at least, it’s not about getting rid of anxiety. i think it’s about recognising that yeah, i’m scared; yeah, i don’t know what’s going to happen; yeah, it feels really tough right now, it hurts and it’s so confusing. but, there’s a God who does know—perfectly. a God who knows exactly how to solve it. Allah being Trustworthy is the reassurance and comfort we need in times of anxiety. it may not go away completely because the next time there’s hardship or you feel lost, you might feel scared and anxious again. but it might have lessened from the last time—because of your trust in Him. or, it may lessen later by trusting Him more. either way, i think i’m understanding that i don’t have to spend so much time desperately trying to remove my anxiety, but instead, accepting and acknowledging it and ultimately surrendering to Allah—even in the moments i’m feeling fearful—and understanding that He will show me the way in His own time. i think it’s about feeling and letting go.
the perfect example of this is from a time i went on a trip called PGL (parents get lost!). it’s basically an activity course/summer camp where you do activities such as zip lining, archery, canoeing, etc. when i went there, i remember one activity i had to do was the trapeze. now, for the trapeze, you’re attached to a harness and have to climb up a really high, six-metre pole to reach a top landing. then, when you reach the top, there’s a trapeze hanging in the sky, and you have to jump off to try and grab a hold of it. if you don’t reach it, you won’t fall to the ground because of the harness and will just dangle in the air. here’s a picture so you can get a visual:
this was incredibly nerve-wracking and scary. everyone on the ground looked like an ant and i had to really trust the fact that i won’t die if i didn’t reach the trapeze. i knew i had a harness on so, either way, i’ll be fine—but jumping off such a high landing like that was still so scary. but i took a deep breath. and i jumped. and i caught it! i was so proud of myself. little did i know that the next part of the activity was to let go. let go of the trapeze. now this was one of the scariest things i had to do at that young point in my life. it was way scarier than jumping to reach the trapeze because at least there was something there for me to grab onto, and my survival instincts turned on so i could grab it when i jumped. but to let go? to me, that was the equivalent of dying. no survival instincts, nothing to fall onto, nothing to hold. just falling right to the ground. this really required me to trust the fact that i’m not going to fall six metres down to my death. i knew the harness was attached to me, but i was holding onto that trapeze for dear life—so much so that everyone below had started to grow impatient as they were waiting for it to be their turn to climb. but i was up there forever shouting down, “guys I can’t! I can’t!” while they were shouting back up “you can! just let go! just let go!!”. but i did not have it in me. i really thought i was going to die. how do i know the harness is actually attached? what if it’s faulty? what if i’m the first person they messed it up for?
but i had to complete the activity. it was the only way it would end. i had to let go. i had to fall. i had to trust the harness. i had to do my part.
so, after about 15 minutes of my palms getting sweaty as i was clinging onto the trapeze… i finally let go. my stomach churned as i fell and i screamed so loud but oh my goodness, the relief i felt when my body stopped mid-air and i just dangled in the sky, looking down at everyone’s tiny little body on the ground.
i think this is what tawakkul is like. feeling so anxious and scared but knowing that you have the Best Hand holding you that is not going to let you crash and burn and is going to make sure you’re okay. but not just simply knowing that the Hand is there—being brave enough to let that Hand hold you. not just simply trusting in your head but actively doing what you need to do to trust the One who is holding your harness.
feeling scared but letting go anyway, with trust.
it makes me think about the balance between putting my trust in Al-Wakeel but also doing my part too. i often think about a story i came across on tumblr years ago—it might even be a parable from the bible. but it went something like this:
once, there was a man who had a shipwreck and was stranded at sea. but he felt okay because he had so much trust in God that he knew He would save him. so, soon after, a boat sailed nearby, saw him stranded and offered to take him onboard. but he said, ‘no thank you, God will save me’. so the boat drove away. later, another boat came and the people offered to help him too. he told them again, ‘no thank you. I’m waiting for God to save me’. even a helicopter was flying by and saw a stranded man, and came down to save him. yet again, the man refused saying, ‘no thank you, i’m waiting for God to save me’. then he drowned and died. after, he went to God so angrily and asked him ‘why didn’t you save me! I trusted you!’ and God was like ‘……I literally sent you two boats and a helicopter. what more did you expect Me to do? come down from the heavens and pick you up Myself?’
the moral of this story is to trust God but to also tie your camel. trust that He is indeed the Best Disposer of our Affairs but also do your part, listen to the signs and accept His help when it comes. it’s like the saying parents love to use: ‘you can’t just pray to Allah to pass your exams and not study. it’s not magic. you pray to pass and then you also study’.
so, to me, remembering and living by His beautiful name, Al-Wakeel - the Trustee, is about accepting that it’s okay to feel anxious and scared but surrendering and letting it go by trusting in His Power, His Will, His Hand, His Comfort, His Guidance, His Love. and then doing your part—however that looks like.
now it’s time for you to reflect :)
Prompts/Reflections:
how strong is your tawakkul? do you think it could be stronger? is there anything that holds you back? if so, what is it and what can you do about it?
what situation are you currently in that requires you to trust Allah? what would help you trust Him more? dhikr? istikhara? maybe even thinking about times you felt lost and how you got out of that situation as an example of how Allah helps you and doesn’t let you down? making an action plan and trying to follow through with it helps a lot.
as humans, we also have the ability to reflect Allah’s attributes out into the world. reflecting Al-Wakeel, are you someone people can rely on? when people come to you, are you someone we can trust? can you help others? then, do you?
Grab a Blessing:
Hasbunallah wa ni’mal wakeel x3
(Allah is sufficient for us, and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs)
Jazakallah for reading and for your time and presence! sending much love, as always,
— SabrGirl ♡
I’ll just say if I had to do that trapeze activity I would still be hanging on to that thing!! 😭🤣 I can imagine how terrifying it must have been to let go of it. And loved reading this one, excited to learn the new attribute!! 🫶🏽
You worded all of this so beautifully 🥹🥹