july - attribute of the month

a story time

happy july! as usual, i asked Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ for an attribute that matches what july will be about and something for me and you to reflect on. after spinning the attribute wheel, this month, it landed on Al-Qahhar, the Most Supreme, the All Prevailing One, the One who Subdues all. 

Allah uses this attribute a couple of times in the Holy Qur’an. for example:

The day when they will all come forth; nothing concerning them will be hidden from Allah. ‘Whose is the kingdom this day?’ It is Allah’s, the One, the Prevailing. (40:17)

On the day when this earth will be changed into another earth, and the heavens too; and they will all appear before Allah, the One, the Most Supreme (14:49)

reflecting on this attribute in relation to the above verses, i’m reminded of death. perhaps because i can’t stop thinking about an incident last week where i thought i was going to die:

---

i felt myself getting sick the day before the picnic. but i still wanted to go. 

the picnic was with my community’s student association, near one of our mosque’s in the countryside. but when i woke up that sunday morning, i knew something was wrong. i wanted to get ready quickly because of it, but i shouldn’t have showered immediately. i hadn’t drunk any water or even eaten breakfast yet. what a big mistake that was because when i got out of the shower, i was so weak and was walking side to side. i had to sit on my bed for a while, opening all the windows because i was too dizzy—dizzier than usual. but i still wanted to go to the picnic. i wanted to pray in that mosque. i wanted to see everyone.

so i pushed through and got ready. luckily i had enough time. afterwards, i met up with my friend, got into her car and sat quietly, listening to everyone else talk while feeling slightly cold.

an hour later we got there, prayed zuhr and went onto the grass. it was fun, at first. we played rounders. maybe you know it better as baseball, that’s what the americans call it. i’m quite competitive, and rounders is my game, so i stood there ready to wack the ball with my bat. with all my strength, i hit the ball so far away that it flew and landed in some tall weeds, and the fielding team took ages trying to find the ball, allowing me to get a full home run. this happened twice. my team won. 

before we played rounders, i realised i was having some tightness and pain in my upper legs. i thought i just had to stretch and that’s what i did. but after running, i needed to sit down and wasn’t able to stand up for a long time anymore.

“tell me when it’s my turn to bat again, i’m just going to sit down over there,” i told my team. 

i began to shiver, feeling really cold. i wasn’t wearing the most warmest clothes, but i was wearing four layers. so what was the problem?

over time, it got worse and slightly unbearable. the pizza arrived but i could only eat two slices—i didn’t have an appetite. i didn’t know what was wrong with me. all i knew is that i wanted to go home and was counting down the time until asr. even standing up became really difficult and, every time i did, i started seeing sparks and rocked sideways, while my head began to burn.

i didn’t know at the time, but an episode of my chronic illness was underway—and a really bad one, at that. it was mixed in with an actual sickness/infection i was getting.

finally, it was time for asr but i could barely stand. i had to sit down on a chair with the old aunties at the back of the mosque to pray. that was embarrassing. but there was no way i was able to go into sujood, not with the way my head was burning and i felt so dizzy. my entire body was shaking. 

on the journey back home is when my legs started to feel paralysed. from the waist down, it felt as though the blood had stopped in the lower part of my body and wasn’t pumping any to the top. my blood was pooling. thankfully though, when i got out of the car, i was able to walk. i didn’t want to have to explain anything to my friend or seem not okay. i hate having episodes in front of people. it’s just dramatic.

after saying goodbye and thanking her for driving me, i went inside my house. and that’s really when it begun. 

immediately after getting inside, i felt so heavy, dizzy and in pain. my legs couldn’t handle standing anymore and i quickly washed my hands before getting into bed. that’s when i realised how incredibly hot my body was but i was shivering and cold. my face was burning to the touch. and so were my legs, which were so numb and hurting like crazy. i could no longer move. even while i was sitting or laying down, my legs were hurting. i felt so paralysed, in so much pain. i had never experienced anything like it before.

i started to distract myself. i went on my laptop and logged onto substack, checking my notifications. my post on gratitude went out earlier that day. i was surprised to see that people actually liked it. the whole time at the picnic, i was cringing when i thought about it, questioning why i even wrote it and sent it out. seeing that people liked it made me happy. but then the screen was making my migraine worse and it felt as though the waves from my laptop were making my legs hurt more, even though my laptop wasn’t hot.

this is when i first started to feel like i was dying. my body felt so heavy and was boiling hot to the touch. but i was shivering and so cold with a pulsating migraine and paralysed-like legs. i thought there’s no way out of this. this is the end for me. the pain was so unbearable, i laid down and shut my eyes. for about ten seconds, i felt scared of dying. but then i stopped myself and thought, you better start preparing because being scared is going to do nothing for you.

my mouth was closed and, in the heaviness, i no longer had any energy to open it. but i felt so thankful that I was able to recite laa illaha ill-Allah Muhammadar Rasoolullah with my mouth closed. what a blessing. now i was able to prepare. i kept reciting as my body burned up even more and my migraine became so unbearable. every few seconds, i would shake as a wave of pain seeped through my legs. it felt similar to when i get pins and needles in my feet—they’re frozen in place, and even moving them slightly hurts. but it was so much worse. 

as i was reciting, i then remembered watching this video about a scientist who discovered that water changes when bismillah is recited on it and i thought that maybe i have to recite la illaha out loud for it to count. for some reason, i thought ‘what if Allah can’t hear me?’

i wasn’t thinking properly. i thought i was dying. 

so, i used all my strength to open my mouth and whispered laa illaha ill-Allah Muhammadar Rasoolullah. immediately, my head started pounding even more as if someone was shocking it. maybe i shouldn’t have done that. but i could hear my heartbeat throbbing so loudly in my head and i felt thankful instead, thinking Allah is showing me that i’m still alive.

eventually i could no longer bear it. i needed help. 

i really wanted to text one of my best friends who studies medicine and, Masha’Allah, is already a great doctor. i wanted to tell her my symptoms and ask her what’s wrong with me and what i should do. but she was going on holiday the next day and i didn’t want to ruin her vibe. the groupchat was buzzing, she didn’t know which outfits to take with her and our other best friend was helping her decide. i wanted to look at the pictures, tell her which ones she should take and that she looks pretty in all of them. but i couldn’t use any devices. the light was too much. 

not knowing what to do, i quickly got my phone anyway and called my brother who was sitting in the living room. the england match was on. he picked up and i could only whisper ‘…come…please…’ and hoped for the best. 

when he came into my room, i made him feel my head to show him that i have a fever. i whispered, ‘what should i do?’ 

he was my hero that day. he brought me all kinds of medicine, put a headache balm on my forehead. he brought me a thermometer and took my temperature which was 40°C. that was apparently a high and dangerous fever. he didn’t have to tell me, the way i was feeling already felt dangerous enough. 

he heard england score and rushed to the tv. then he came back and helped me again. eventually, he went away for a while, and i heard him making noise in the kitchen. my head kept throbbing and, in the meantime, being as dramatic as i am, i started imagining what everyone was going to say after i died. everyone at the picnic would think back and find the signs:

‘yeah she was really quiet actually, she did say she was cold.’
‘she barely ate the pizza now that i think about it’.

then i felt sad that i wouldn’t be able to blog anymore.

my brother returned, holding tea in his hand. i took it from him after painfully trying to sit up slightly, sipped it and choked. suddenly all my energy came back again:

“that’s the most disgusting thing i’ve ever tasted in my life!” i said, no longer in a whisper, but in my full voice, with full strength. “why is it SPICY?”

i’m so sure he just put paprika in a mug and put hot water on top. but i continued drinking it anyway. whatever kind of tea it was, it was actually helping. who knew the lazy mama’s boy even had these skills? and since i thought i was dying, i would’ve taken anything to feel better. strange. i never thought i’d ever be that type of person. once, i watched a show on netflix and it had a scene where people were dying in a room, and the only way to survive was to eat a butterfly. i thought absolutely not. if that was me, i would rather die. no way am i eating a butterfly. but clearly, when the situation arises, i guess i really would do anything to survive.

eventually, after what felt like ages, my brother left the room. i laid there, my body getting dangerously hotter. i felt like i could cook an egg on it. my mum told me to nap but i didn’t want to. it was 7:30, and maghrib was at 9:30. if i slept, i could sleep through the whole night and i couldn’t miss prayers. i stayed up. 

i don’t know why i didn’t think to set an alarm. 

i laid there breathing rapidly, still unable to move. no medicine or headache balm was making the throbbing go away. i thought okay, this is the end, my time has come. i really am going to die now. i felt myself passing out, my eyes closing. i thought this illness would take me out when i’m older, i didn’t think it was going to kill me now.

i switched between istighfar and laa ilaha ill-Allah for a while and, eventually, i actually wanted to die. it was too much. i surrendered to everything, allowing myself to pass out. but as i tried to let go, my heart rate increased and got louder, i could hear it in my forehead. my body is fighting to stay alive. it doesn’t want to give in.

this continued for ages. having the worst migraine ever. shivering but having a dangerously high fever that seemed to be increasing by the second. feeling completely paralysed from the waist down—something i’ve never felt before. i’ll never be able to walk again, i thought. i couldn’t even hear anymore. my ears started buzzing. i think i’m having hypotension… was the last thought i remember having. my eyes closed. and then darkness.

---

i opened my eyes again. it was pitch black around me and i woke up drenched. it was as though someone dumped me into a river in my sleep and placed me back onto my bed. i looked at the time, it was 22:11. i’m alive, i thought to myself. Allah’s woken me up to pray.

i wasn’t dead. alhamdulillah. i wondered if i had enough energy to go and do wudhu and my skincare. there was only one way to find out. 

i slowly got up and changed into new pyjamas, removing my wet ones. i was shocked at how soaked they were. that can’t have been normal. but my boiling fever must have made me sweat like crazy.

making my way to the bathroom, i managed to do wudhu. i knew i didn’t have much time left to stand, i was feeling quite dizzy and felt my legs tingling. every time i turned my head, i felt as though i was falling to the floor. i quickly used my cleansers and i knew my time was up—my legs were painful again. but i also wanted to brush my teeth. i knew i was going to bed for the rest of the night after i prayed.

after finishing everything, i rushed back to my bed. i had used up all the energy i had but i was thankful Allah gave me just enough to do wudhu and properly get ready to sleep. it was also ishaa time by then. i had to pray sitting on my bed, facing the qibla. it was painful. i couldn’t get up or move again after that. and then i went back to sleep.

---

i couldn’t get out of bed for the next few days, the pain persisted and so did my migraine. i always only had enough energy for wudhu and that was it. but the worst part for me was having to pray from my bed and still not being able to go into sujood. i had never felt that ill before. i had somehow gotten a viral infection as my throat began to hurt and i started coughing and sneezing but my chronic illness (as usual) was making it worse.

after a few days, i was finally able to stand up to pray again and it felt like heaven. being able to stand in qiyam without pain, feeling my two feet on my soft, furry prayer mat, being able to go into ruku and feel my head down in sujood (though not for long without feeling like the world was spinning), felt amazing. 

this whole experience made me realise that i’m actually nothing. not being able to place both feet down and stand on my prayer mat is humbling. feeling paralysed is humbling. not being able to look outside and having to sit in a room—in a bed—for days without opening the curtains because of a migraine is humbling. i think the advantage to having an illness and sometimes having bedridden days or being unable to pray properly is the ability to realise just how powerless i am and how powerful Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ is. it helps me understand the extent to His Will and His permission in allowing us to do basic things—like standing. i can only stand because He wants me to. i can only breathe because He allows it. i can only go and do wudhu because He gives me permission. i have limbs that move and function well because of Him. in a second, he can take it all away. and He will.

The day when they will all come forth; nothing concerning them will be hidden from Allah. ‘Whose is the kingdom this day?’ It is Allah’s, the One, the Prevailing. (40:17)

Allah, the One who prevails over all creation.

after last week, living by His name, Al-Qahhar, for me this month will be being thankful for His permission to do anything—to be alive and have a chance each day to work towards a good akhirah. it will be staying present and increasing dhikr to remember His power. and ultimately surrendering to His will and finding the lessons behind it.

now it’s time for your reflections :)

---

Prompts/Reflections:

• knowing that Allah is Al-Qahhar, what thoughts come to mind?

• how can you reflect on this name and live by it? how can you utilise His name in your duas?

• in the Qur’an, Al-Qahhar is always coupled with Al-Wahid (the One). ‘Say, ‘I am only a Warner; and there is no God but Allah, the One, the Most Supreme’ (38:66). why do you think this is so? what’s the significance of always having Al-Wahid with Al-Qahhar? 

---

Grab a Blessing:

• la ilaha illAllah al-Wahidul-Qahhar, Rabbus-samawati wal-ardi wa maa bayna huma al-’Azīzul-Ghaffar
  (there is none worthy of worship except Allah, the One, the Supreme, Lord of the heavens and the earth and all that is between them, the All-Mighty, the All-Forgiving.)

---

jazakallah for reading! i always feel so nervous when i write and send out such personal stories. i can never really know how it will be received. but i always write what feels most closest and authentic to me in the moment and i feel blessed to be able to share it and put it out into the world :) thank you for allowing me to share my life and for reading it. alhamdulillah.

i found my new favourite spot in the park today. i like going into the deepest parts of the forest until i’m sure i could get kidnapped there (just how i like it!) and i found a river full of ducks with the perfect tree log facing it for me to sit on. i sat there for ages today, watching the ducks, journalling, crying, getting scared when i heard noises in the bushes behind me, feeling at peace, doing dhikr. i like being alone in nature, away from everyone and everything. being so far away that not even a kidnapper can find me. it feels like an escape.

journal extract - july 6, 2024:
oh, to be a duck. swimming in the water with my friends. shaking my tail. i’m still so upset about everything.

take care of yourselves! sending lots of love, as always. until next time, Insha’Allah,

— SabrGirl ♡