is Allah punishing me?

on heartache

i feel very hurt and angry writing this.

i’m trying to listen to my intuition, to my heart, in order to decipher the truth and hear what Allah is telling me.

i feel like there’s been an injustice against me. i’ve been feeling hurt for over a year about a specific situation that i will maybe one day go into and the lessons i’ve learnt. for now, i will keep it vague and ambiguous. i’ve been wanting to open up and tell those close to me in my family for such a long time. for many reasons, i felt like i couldn’t. i felt trapped. stuck in the middle. i didn’t know much. i was a teenager and still learning. i was being patient like i was told to be. i thought i was being trustworthy. and respectful of people’s decisions. i thought i was doing the right thing. even though opening up is the very thing i’ve wanted. but now, i finally have.

but after saying my feelings and how sad i am about it, i’m being told that all the sadness and hurt that i’ve been feeling is ‘a punishment from Allah and the price to pay’ for not talking about it earlier. i’m being told that ‘there’s no time to play victim,’ as if i’m not allowed to feel upset over the actions of other people and the way they’ve hurt me.

the thing i cried about first is that i consider Allah my best Friend and i never in a million years would have thought that everything i’ve been feeling for such a long time is Him punishing me. i had to run away. i went to my favourite park as i couldn’t contain it anymore and i started frantically walking and walking. every time i thought ‘is Allah angry with me?’ i felt unable to breathe and started walking in all sorts of directions, holding back my tears and moving away from other people who were walking through the park so that they wouldn’t see me tearing up. being about to explode, i had to move off from the path, hurried fast through the trees into a huge field with incredibly tall weeds and sat down in the middle of it, where no one could see or hear me. and i sobbed and sobbed and called out,

“if You’re angry at me, i have nobody! i’m alone”.
”please don’t be angry at me”.
”i thought we were friends. You know more than anyone how much i wanted to tell”.

eventually i thought about it. i thought about how Allah knows my heart more than anyone. He’s been with me the whole time. He’s been listening to all the conversations, to all the times i begged and have wanted this opening up to have happened much earlier. He’s been present while i’ve been disappointed and hurt over and over. He’s been hearing my sobs and my tears. how can He then punish me? how can it all be a punishment? it doesn’t sound like Him.

and then after talking about how much i’ve gotten hurt and am still feeling upset, being told that there’s no time to play victim and that i should first acknowledge my faults feels like another knife being stabbed into the same wound. now it’s as though after absolutely everything i’ve been put through, it’s not valid to feel hurt about it. as though i control the actions of other people. as though, if i had done things differently, other people would have become perfect and different.

i feel angry. i feel like this is completely unjust. and has been for such a long time. but it only keeps getting worse. i know that there are things i should have done differently and that i am also at fault. i admit, accept and acknowledge that and am learning the lesson. if i knew what i know now, i would’ve done things differently. but i only know what i know now through having this experience. but is my pain from this all a punishment?

i don’t know what to do. i’ve never been put in a situation before where i, myself, feel like Allah has been helping and guiding me through the pain and hurt but someone else is telling me that that very pain and hurt is a punishment from Him. which to believe? my intuition, which has always viewed Allah in a good light, sees Him as my best Friend, someone who is Gracious and Merciful and Kind and my Provider and my Peace? or an outside voice, which tells me i shouldn’t victimise myself because my sadness is the price to pay, which makes me think that Allah is angry at me and punishing me, which makes me think that He’s being unjust by punishing me out of everyone involved with all this continuous pain when my intentions were pure and loving? the answer is obvious. so why is it so hard to push the outside voices away?

“I am as My servant thinks of Me”.

i’ve been trying to listen to what feels right inside and block out anything else. i hear a voice inside me screaming, listen to me. listen to me.

the Beloved Prophet ﷺ said to seek a verdict from your heart:

“Have you come to ask about righteousness?

Ask your own heart for a decision!

Righteousness is what calms the soul and reassures the heart. Sin is what troubles the soul and makes your heart restless - even if people give you a decision in its favour (to justify it)”.

my heart says that i’ve made some mistakes but that this heartache, hurt and disappointment is not Allah punishing me because He understands that i thought i was doing the right thing and has known my intentions and what i’ve wanted since the beginning. my heart reminds me that deeds are judged by intentions (hadith). and who knows my intentions more than Allah? my heart knows that i’m not victimising myself and that i have a right to be upset. it says that He is loving. and forgiving.

i’ve always been one to absorb what people tell me and make my decisions based on their opinions. lately, i’ve been learning to listen to myself more, my inner conscious. my heart.

i had a dream that the Qur’an would heal me. there’s a message in that to read it more with understanding. after all, Allah says about the Qur’an:

O mankind! there has indeed come to you an exhortation from your Lord and a cure for whatever disease there is in the hearts, and a guidance and a mercy to the believers (10:58).

i find immense comfort in Surah Ad-Duha:

Your Lord has not forsaken you, nor is He displeased with you.
Surely every hour that follows is better for you than the one that precedes.
And your Lord will soon give you and you will be well pleased.
Did He not find you an orphan and give you shelter?
And He found you wandering lost and guided you to Himself.
And He found you in want and enriched you.
So the orphan, oppress not (93:4-10).

tears fall as i read. He did find me wandering and i know He’s been guiding me. He has blessed me a lot and i’ve learnt so much. the whole thing has brought me closer to Him as i’ve been praying and turning to Him so much more for help and mercy. that doesn’t sound like a punishment to me.

We test you with evil and good by way of trial. And to Us shall you be returned. (21:36)

it feels incredibly lonely and i feel misunderstood. i feel angry that i’ve tried my absolute hardest and given my absolute all, just for everything to backfire in my face with the cherry on top being that i’m now getting the blame. it just keeps getting worse. do i get my justice? i take my time to self-soothe and wait for it all to end. reminding myself that Allah is Al-Mu’izz, the Honourer. He is Al-’Adl, the Just.

but who knows, maybe all of it really is my fault. after all, i knew what i wanted and what was right from the very beginning. perhaps i was trying too hard for the wrong things. maybe all the hurt that i’ve felt by someone else really is the result of my own actions, or lack of, and i’m now playing the victim. there is some truth in that. i guess the lesson learnt is to listen to what my heart is telling me inside rather than what other people are telling me is the right thing to do. but is this all a punishment? my heart says no but time will tell. but it’s better to be punished here than in the next life—at least this way, if it really is a punishment, it’s not too late and i still have time to learn and do better. i’ll continue turning to Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ.

ihdinas siraatul mustaqim
guide us in the right path (1:6)

me and my truth sit in silence. i will learn to let the resentments go. i don’t have to prove anything, i remind myself. i will listen to my heart more. i try to surrender and find comfort in the fact that Allah knows everything and knows the truth. i will let that be enough. it has to be. i’ll let go of seeking honour from people and expecting people to honour me. i will trust in Allah who doesn’t burden a soul beyond it can bear. i will endure and have patience. another trial that i’ll get through with His help. rainfall is a great blessing.

i’ve learnt to let go of trying so hard. of fighting in a one-person army. i wave my white flag as a surrender and give up. i leave my case with Allah.

Say, ‘Nothing shall befall us except that which Allah has ordained for us. He is our Protector. And in Allah then should the believers put their trust.’ (9:31)

Grab a Blessing:

• Hasbunallahu wa ni'mal wakeel
  (Allah is Sufficient for us and He is the Best Disposer of affairs)

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jazakallah for reading. this was a different, more of a diary entry type of post. i could’ve kept this in the drafts but i don’t want it to stay mine. i want to let it go, despite being scared that the one telling me it’s a punishment will find and read this one day.

i see writing as a huge release—seeing my feelings and thoughts executed through words, through a story, and finding the root problem by the end. sending it out feels like letting go of the baggage and allowing it to float and land wherever and with whoever it was meant to reach. one of my favourite things about writing, and art in general, is that it resonates and connects with people in so many different and personal ways. no two people read it in the same way. perhaps it will resonate with someone out there. i’m sorry if it does.

remember that your feelings are valid, of course they are. Allah hears you and is listening always. so keep turning to Him. He loves you.

please keep me in your prayers. sending lots of love,

— SabrGirl ♡.

p.s: oh my goodness! i had already written this whole post on the weekend and was thinking about the whole thing and sending the post out today. then i go onto youtube and i come across this 2-minute video: ‘What happens when you put your trust in Allah during difficult times?’. i felt compelled to click it. first of all, the way it directly relates to me and everything i’ve just said is scary. second of all, my heart is beaming. i knew Allah was helping me. this is from Him. this is the best feeling ever :) alhamdulillah.