a happy couple: hardship and ease

and a big THANK YOU!!!

salam everyone!

before i get into today’s post, i just wanted to say thank you!

i have almost 100 subscribers! my heart is beaming!! any number of subscribers always seems like a lot to me because i imagine them all in a room with me while i stand up on a stage—30 people listening to a speech of mine is a lot, so is 20, so is 60. so to have almost 100 people willingly here? i’m over the moon. inexplicably. thank you so much for your presence and your time and for reading what i have to say. thank you for letting me move the words ‘i’m a writer’ into a reality. it may sound cringe or cliché, but since i created this newsletter, there have been so many down moments where i’ve been upset or going through difficulties, but knowing that i have people who willingly want to read my writing and also resonate with it too has helped me push through. it’s so lovely and humbling hearing so many say that my own reflections, experiences and advice through what i’ve learnt or am going through have motivated them to continue on or strive harder, and that they also relate to some of my struggles with illness or anxiety. my own faith and islamic knowledge have also been strengthened with SabrGirl; receiving questions from people who want advice on their spiritual journey has made me research a lot, and reflecting on my own life through writing has brought me closer to Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ too. i’m so incredibly grateful. words can’t and won’t suffice. alhamdulillah, firstly. and jazakallah khair ♡.

without much further ado…

---

two weeks ago, i finally submitted my dissertation, the project i’ve been working on my entire final year of university and dedicated so much time to. i was later on the phone to my mum crying over something completely unrelated that was upsetting me, and stayed in bed for hours. a few hours later, my best friends, who i live with at uni (who had no idea about the tears and sadness) surprised me with a gift for finishing it, and we all chilled together until the evening, talking, laughing, looking through old videos and memories together, eating dinner. i had completely forgotten about the hardship i had earlier on. 

hardship to ease to hardship to ease.

last week, i finished my degree by submitting my final assignment. during my entire exam season, i’ve had (many) all-nighters/sleepless nights, trying my best to put in the hard work and give it my all to avoid any regrets in the future. so it felt surreal to be finally done and it’s been wonderful binge-watching netflix episodes guilt-free, going shopping by myself and spending time with my friends. despite this, however, i’ve been feeling so empty, so drained, so numb. my friends have been a great support because of this and have been cheering me up. but then, when they leave my room, it’s time to pray, and the tears flow again. i pour my heart out to Allah and sigh. 

hardship and ease locked simultaneously in the same moment.

rain is the perfect example of ‘with hardship comes ease’. it’s mucky and cold. it’s not nice to be outside in. your socks get wet. it makes puddles and cars drive past really fast and splash you. but it’s a time when your prayers are more likely to be answered. it’s one of the signs for laylatul qadr in ramadan. it grows sustenance and beautiful plants.

my friend also told me recently that if you truly want to reach the highest spiritual ranks, you have to accept that your life will probably be bad/hard. i reflected on this and it’s true—look at all the prophets of Allah. they had such high ranks but their lives were filled with hardship upon hardship. yet, within that, they were so close to Allah and had Him as their True Friend, which is the ultimate good we all desire. 

hardship within ease and ease within hardship. all intertwined together in the same moment, the same day, the same week and same lifetime. 

i accepted a long time ago that both good and bad will happen in life—in a single day, even. but i’m now learning to embrace it and invite it all in. both the good moments and the bad moments. the happy and sad. the love and the hurt. the hardship and ease. when i’m looking forward to something or a specific day, i don’t expect it to be completely happy and for there to be no difficulties anymore. i actually expect there to be some sort of hardship within the good. and the same with the bad—there have been so many times where i’ve had the worst day and then realised, after making my gratitude list before i go to bed, that blessings and bliss still accompanied the hardship. so i acknowledge that there can also be good in the hard moments in life.

because the most beautiful part of it all is that regardless of whether something is good or bad, both lead you back to Allah سُبْحَٰنَهُۥ وَتَعَٰلَىٰ. when something good happens, you say alhamdulillah and are grateful. and when something bad happens, you say alhamdulillah and are patient. this world isn’t like hell, where it’s so bad and you’re far away from Allah. but it’s not like heaven yet either (may we all be granted jannah) where it’s perfectly good and we have such nearness to God. this is earth—where not only do the good and bad both intertwine, hold hands and kiss, but both are ultimately chances for you to gain the nearness of Allah. in feelings of emptiness and numbness, i’m realising that it’s a privilege to be able to feel all that we do. emotions can be a beautiful thing. and every emotion or, if not, at least every experience (good/bad) can lead back to Allah—if you really want it to. you just have to turn to Him:

Aye, surely there is ease after hardship. So when you are free, strive hard and turn to your Lord whole-heartedly (94:7-9)

Attribute of the Month - Al-Wakeel (The Trustee):

these monthly attributes really are accurate in my life. may has definitely been about trusting Allah and His plan for me. but i’m realising that trusting Allah isn’t only about trusting that He will make my affairs and the things in my life okay and fall into place. it’s also about trusting that He will help me as a person, too. i’ve been feeling so overwhelmed at my personal growth lately as i’ve been realising that i have so much to work on, so much that is yet to be discovered, so much healing that is yet to be done, so much knowledge i still need to acquire. it’s almost as if every other week i’m realising parts of myself that need to be better; or that i’m acting in a certain way because i’m still triggered over the past; or recognising that i’m still spiritually weak in aspects i thought i had already gained strength in. i’ve always loved self-growth and healing but spotting so many flaws lately has overwhelmed me to the point where i’ve been feeling such self-doubt and have been wanting to give up, thinking, ‘what’s the point of it all? i’m never going to get better. am i even a good person?’

but i posted this on my blog today:

@sabrgirl - Tumblr

it’s because of this dua, i’m sure—it’s helping me recognise many flaws in my character, trauma triggers that are still prevalent and where i’m spiritually weak. the dua working and showing me these parts of myself that need refining made me realise that Allah is guiding me and helping me. i’m not alone in this. yes it’s hard and, to be honest, i even told Allah today that i’d really (!!!!) like to just avoid the temptations i struggle with and the bad sides of myself rather than having to confront and overcome them and gain inner strength. it would be easy if i could not be tempted and tested and then i’d be fine. but this isn’t jannah (yet!), unfortunately. nonetheless, through this all, i’m understanding that i can also trust that Al-Wakeel will help me in my self-growth. He is here and guiding me to improve my character and giving me the resolve to overcome my inner battles and nafs. i will heal and become better. Insha’Allah :)

---

Grab a Blessing:

• La ilaha illa anta subhanaka inni kuntu minaz-zalimin
  (There is no God but You, Holy are You. I have indeed been of the wrongdoers)

• La hawla wala quwwata illa billah
  (There is no power and no strength except with God)

---

jazakallah for reading! i hope you’re all doing well. it’s been a while, i know. i’ve been having writer’s block and have also been feeling so drained, especially after my finals, that i’ve been wanting to do nothing, and haven’t felt the joy in writing lately. but i’m slowly starting to regain my identity back and wake up in life a bit more.

sending much love, as always,

— SabrGirl ♡